Relationships are stressed right now. Couples are forced to be together while they work from home. Sleep is disrupted. Routines are disrupted. I wanted to take some time to share things you can do to get through this pandemic as a couple.
1. It is normal for your relationship to be stressed at this time
You may be wondering what other homes and relationships look like. Are we the only couple ready to divorce after spending a week or two together? No. Many couples are struggling while spending so much time together. We are out of our normal routines. Many individuals have lost their personal self-care strategies. Gyms are closed. There is less social contact. You are not the only couple in the soup.
Everyone is stressed out about something right now, their bank account, their retirement, their business, their job, contracting the virus, homeschooling their kids, working from home, not having personal space, the list goes on. This virus has changed the way we all live and how we function on a daily basis. It would be great if we could all talk and process this, but many aren’t even aware of their stress, so the stress comes out sideways, often at our spouses. Too much noise in your home, housework not getting done, crumbs on the counter-top and in the butter, the lights are left on, the front door isn’t closed, the kids are too loud, everything becomes bigger, much bigger than it needs to be. It is important to remember to choose your battles.
2. Accept each others’ emotional coping styles
There are maximizers and minimizers. Some people cope with stress by wanting to keep up with what is happening in the news on a moment by moment basis. Others prefer to keep life as normal as possible. Accept that your partner may process their stress and cope differently, without judgment. Trying to convince your partner otherwise is wasted energy that you likely do not have right now. Don’t tell your partner they are overreacting, or are in denial. We are all doing the best we can right now. You cannot expect your partner to change their lifelong coping strategies. Listen to what they are saying and validate their feelings as much as you can. You do not have to agree with their perception of reality, but you need to try to understand where they are coming from.
That being said, it is important to err on the side of caution right now. There are a lot of unknowns about this virus - even the experts are winging it. Try your best to compromise on what is negotiable, but err on the cautious side. It doesn’t mean the more cautious partner is right, but it will give your partner psychological safety. Now is a time of chaos in our world, and we need to do what we can to bring as much safety to our loved ones as possible, this includes your spouse. Remember, this virus and what is happening in our world will not last forever. Dismissing your partner’s fear right now and creating an unsafe environment can have a lasting, damaging impact on your relationship.
3. Develop a routine
As much as you are out of your usual routine of going separate ways each day, develop a new routine. Get up and get ready for the day consistently. If something isn’t working, be flexible and make some changes. We often focus on trying to find a routine for children and don’t put enough emphasis on our adult routine.
4. Ask for what you need instead of criticizing what your partner is doing
Couples who have worked with me know how much I discuss this in counseling. Within every complaint that you have of your partner or of your relationship, there is an unmet need or longing. If you can express to your partner what you need instead of criticizing them or telling them why they are wrong, they are much more likely to respond to you. When you want to attack or criticize your partner, take a step back and ask yourself, What do I need from my partner right now? Then ask for it.
5. Seek help outside of the relationship (and outside of social media)
Most counselors and therapists are offering online counseling during this troublesome time. Reach out and get some support. Talk with other couples about the struggles of being a couple during a pandemic. Everyone needs a sounding board to get through this. When looking for a relationship therapist make sure to find someone who is trained to work with couples as opposed to a generalist counselor.
6. Rituals, rituals, rituals
Don’t forget the couple’s rituals! Rituals are intentional time set aside on a consistent basis for your relationship. Each person has a role in the ritual, and you discuss expectations and roles so that each person is involved. Date days, afternoons, or nights are an example of a couple’s ritual. This may look different than before the pandemic because you can’t go out to eat together right now or go to a movie or an event, but perhaps your date night looks more like a planned meal that you cook together or a walk down a hiking trail and a glass of wine or hot chocolate afterward.
7. Build a shared sense of purpose
Talk as a couple about the needs of people outside of your relationship more vulnerable than you and how you may wish to address those needs together. This can help you feel better as a couple and give you a shared purpose. From the research of Drs. Gottman, one of the pillars of connection for couples is having shared meaning and a shared sense of purpose. Do you have an elderly family member or a neighbor who you could help out during this time? This can give couples a common goal and sense of purpose, and will build your connection.
8. Find ways to laugh and play together
Laughter and play create a strong connection between partners. At a time when we are disconnected from so many, you can create a stronger connection with your partner. One meme that was shared on social media asked couples to have an imaginary co-worker that you complain to each other about. I love this idea!
9. Expect the unexpected during this time
Emotions are very raw for many, and anxiety is at an all-time high. It isn’t uncommon for people to have waves of emotions overwhelming them during times of stress. Perhaps it is grief from the loss of a loved one, the hopelessness you feel in your relationship, the conversation with your spouse that you’ve been putting off because you never had the time and now you are together 24/7, and you don’t want to increase anxiety because things are bad enough.
It is important that you and your spouse set aside time to share your feelings openly without judgment, no criticism, no problem solving (trying to fix it), no critique, just you and your partner sharing and listening to each other. You don’t have to agree with your partner. Just acknowledge what you heard your partner share with you. If you disagree, find the parts (however small they may be) that make sense to you about what the other shared and validate those feelings.
10. Make anxiety your common enemy by taking an “us against the world” attitude
Battle the anxiety as a couple instead of battling each other. If you are feeling anxious and snap at your partner, apologize for snapping at them. Take responsibility for how you are reacting to your anxiety. Make repair attempts, such as “I wasn’t really listening earlier because I’ve been so distracted by what is happening with work. Can you please tell me again what you were saying? I’ll work to be more present when you are sharing your concerns with me.”
By creating some intentional time between you and your spouse, you will get through this stress as a couple. If you’d like some help to start implementing these skills to support your relationship during this time, please feel free to call 701-478-4144 and set up an appointment.