In the previous blog I gave you the two biggest dangers when finding a counselor for your relationship:
Finding an individually trained counselor who is incompetent in working with couples
Finding a counselor whose individualistic value orientation leads them to undermine your marital commitment
I then discussed how to best find someone who is competent in working with couples. In this blog, I want to discuss an extremely important, yet often over-looked danger when finding a relationship counselor - finding a counselor whose individualistic value orientation leads them to undermine marital commitment.
First I want to give some cultural context. It wasn’t until the 1950s that the field of marriage counseling began to emerge and we began to view people more systemically. At this time, only traditional marriage and tradition roles were supported. Divorce was seen as a personal failing, and often women, if divorced, would remain divorced for the rest of their lives. Divorce was seen as a treatment failure and caused by personality flaws. Abuse in marriage was overlooked and didn’t begin to be taken seriously until a decade or two later.
In the 1960s and 1970s we swung from one end of the pendulum to the other. Marriage was not about duty, but personal happiness. It was also during this time that we began to start talking honestly about the darker side of marriage that hadn’t been discussed previously. We began to have open discussions about abuse. During this time, the divorce rate began to skyrocket, and no- fault divorce was established. During this time, two stances became recognized. The first being a “neutral” stance at marriage. Taking a neutral stance looks like a counselor telling a client, “I’ll help you have a good marriage or a good divorce.” The second stance is a “liberation” stance. An example of the liberation stance is if a client describes their marriage as painful, the counselor helps them to leave the marriage to eliminate their pain. It was during the liberation phase that we began to believe the false belief that children will be fine as long as parents do what makes them happy.
Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, consumerism beliefs prevailed. We began telling ourselves, “I have to do what makes me most happy.” During these years the business model took over along with material greed. This bled into our families, and just as employers and employees were less loyal to each other, so were we to our spouses.
Today, we are primarily customers of marriage. Marriage has been strongly influenced by the cultures of individual fulfillment and consumerism. Many people today go into marriage with the assumption that if things don’t work out, they can always get divorced. Divorce used to be about abuse, addiction and affairs, but today the number one reason why couples divorce is because they “grew apart.”
Counselors are like the rest of society - we are absorbed and highly influenced by the culture around us. Many of us were taught to always remain neutral in the therapy room, but here is a little secret: to remain neutral is impossible. Counselors who take neutral stances are taking a stance against marriages. For example, a client tells their counselor they are unhappy in their marriage and that their spouse seems to have left the marriage years ago. That counselor will tell the client they “deserve better” than what their spouse is giving them in their marriage. This is a very consumer-driven, market-driven message. You put all of this money into your car - you deserve more than what you are getting!
Many counselors help their clients do a cost-benefit analysis of their marriage. They’ll help you identify your needs, and if your spouse doesn’t meet those needs, what it would cost you to stay or leave your marriage. When someone has made a commitment before their friends, family, and in some cases God, that they will do whatever it takes until death do they part, as counselors, we must believe that this has always been their desire. Taking a neutral stance will undermine the commitment both of the partners made to each other. When marriages are in uncharted waters, people lose hope. Our role as marriage counselors is to help our clients navigate the uncharted waters and instill hope. A counselor who does not undermine your commitment will advocate for your marriage and support the possibility that your marriage can be saved.
I cannot tell you how many couples have come to my office having been to previous counselors and told me they had not thought about divorce until their previous counselor had discussed the possibility with them. This is why it is so important to find a counselor with extensive training and expertise in couples counseling. If they are unskilled or new to couples work, they will feel in over their head and become hopeless that they can help your relationship and then project their hopelessness on to you.
We certainly should not go back to our views about marriage from the 1950s. Some divorces are absolutely necessary. But divorce should be the tragic exception, not the norm. I often view divorce much like chemotherapy. There will be adverse side effects, but sometimes it needs to be done.
What we know from the research is that between 40-50% of couples regret their decision to divorce and thought the divorce was preventable. We also know from the research that children will be better off if their parents are together unless there is high conflict in the marriage.
We go into marriage with so much hope and promise, and as life happens and responsibilities pile up, we lose hope and step away from our commitment. We do not see an end to the pain or how it can be fixed. A competent counselor who does not undermine your marriage is the last person in the counseling office to give up on your marriage. Find the right counselor who will support it.
To learn more about the services I provide and how I could best support your marriage, please call 701-478-4144.