In my previous blog, I highlighted two significant dangers when seeking a counselor for your relationship:
Finding an individually trained counselor who is incompetent in working with couples.
Finding a counselor whose individualistic value orientation leads them to undermine your marital commitment.
In this blog, I will delve deeper into the often-overlooked danger of finding a counselor whose individualistic value orientation leads them to undermine marital commitment.
The Evolution of Marriage Counseling
The 1950s: Traditional Roles and Views
To understand the current landscape of marriage counseling, it's essential to look back at its origins. The field of marriage counseling began to take shape in the 1950s. During this period, societal norms supported traditional marriage roles, and divorce was seen as a personal failing. Women who divorced often remained single for the rest of their lives, and divorce was considered a treatment failure caused by personality flaws. Abuse within marriages was largely ignored, only beginning to be taken seriously in subsequent decades.
The 1960s and 1970s: The Shift to Personal Happiness
The 1960s and 1970s saw a dramatic shift in attitudes towards marriage. Marriage began to be viewed through the lens of personal happiness rather than duty. This era marked the beginning of open discussions about the darker aspects of marriage, such as abuse. The divorce rate soared, and no-fault divorce became established. During this time, two distinct counseling stances emerged:
Neutral Stance: Counselors adopting this stance would tell clients, “I’ll help you have a good marriage or a good divorce.”
Liberation Stance: This approach involved helping clients leave painful marriages to eliminate their pain, under the belief that children would be fine as long as parents pursued their happiness.
The 1980s and 1990s: The Rise of Consumerism
The 1980s and 1990s were characterized by the dominance of consumerism beliefs. The prevailing sentiment became, "I have to do what makes me most happy." This mindset infiltrated family dynamics, leading to decreased loyalty among spouses, much like the diminished loyalty between employers and employees during this period.
Modern Marriage: A Consumer-Driven Approach
Today, marriage is heavily influenced by individual fulfillment and consumerism. Many people enter marriage with the assumption that if things don't work out, they can always get divorced. Unlike the past, where divorce was typically due to severe issues like abuse, addiction, or infidelity, the primary reason for divorce today is often that couples "grew apart."
The Role of Counselors in Modern Marriages
The Influence of Cultural Norms
Counselors, like everyone else, are influenced by the culture around them. Many are trained to remain neutral in therapy sessions. However, maintaining a neutral stance is, in reality, impossible. A counselor who claims neutrality may inadvertently take a stance against marriage. For instance, if a client expresses unhappiness in their marriage and feels abandoned by their spouse, a neutral counselor might suggest that the client deserves better, echoing a consumer-driven mindset.
The Cost-Benefit Analysis Approach
Many counselors today assist clients in performing a cost-benefit analysis of their marriage. They help clients identify their needs and evaluate whether their spouse meets those needs. If not, they explore the costs of staying versus leaving the marriage. This approach can undermine the commitment made by both partners. When couples face challenges, they often lose hope. A competent counselor's role is to help clients navigate these difficulties and restore hope.
The Importance of Commitment in Counseling
The Risk of Undermining Commitment
A counselor who does not undermine your commitment will advocate for your marriage and support the possibility that it can be saved. It is alarming how many couples come to my office after seeing previous counselors who introduced the idea of divorce. This underscores the importance of finding a counselor with extensive training and expertise in couples counseling. Inexperienced or unskilled counselors may feel overwhelmed and project their hopelessness onto clients.
Divorce as a Last Resort
While we should not revert to the views of the 1950s, where divorce was stigmatized, it should remain a last resort. Some divorces are necessary, but they should be exceptions, not the norm. Divorce can be compared to chemotherapy—it has adverse side effects but is sometimes necessary.
The Impact of Divorce on Couples and Children
Research indicates that between 40-50% of couples regret their decision to divorce and believe it was preventable. Furthermore, children generally fare better if their parents remain together, except in cases of high conflict. Couples enter marriage with hope and promise, but life’s challenges can erode that hope. A competent counselor who supports marriage commitment is crucial in helping couples through tough times.
Conclusion: Finding the Right Counselor
In conclusion, when seeking a relationship counselor, it is vital to find one who supports and advocates for the commitment of marriage. Such a counselor will be the last to give up on your marriage, helping you navigate uncharted waters and restore hope. To learn more about the services I provide and how I can support your marriage, please call 701-478-4144.