"We didn’t think about divorce until our last marriage counselor brought it up to us.”
“His counselor empowers him, and my counselor empowers me. Then, neither of us cares about the other anymore.”
Does either of these statements sound familiar? In my years of working with couples, I have found these experiences are not uncommon. I hear stories from couples in my office about how counseling hasn’t helped their relationship. I am always amazed by their tenacity to keep looking for the right counselor whom they think may help their relationship. In this blog, I want to explain how some counseling approaches can undermine your relationship.
How do you know if the counseling you are receiving in helping or hurting your relationship? Here are some things you need to be aware of.
1. Has your individual counselor diagnosed your spouse without ever meeting them? Perhaps as “Borderline” or “Narcissistic”?
Another common thing I hear from potential new clients is “I am in individual counseling, and my counselor says my wife is borderline (or my husband is a narcissist) and that we need couples therapy.” It is extremely dangerous for a counselor to diagnose a client whom they have never met with, let alone spoken with about their perspective of your relationship. A common pattern in heterosexual relationships is a female pursuer and a male withdrawer. When anxiety is present in the relationship, she is looking for reassurance and he becomes cold and distant. In individual counseling, a male client may describe his wife as “emotional,” having no boundaries, and constantly in his face, while a female client may describe her partner as cold, unempathetic, and selfish. The counselor then labels the female spouse who isn’t able to regulate her emotions as “borderline” and the male as “narcissistic.” When an individual counselor diagnoses your partner, it sets your individual counseling focus to “what is wrong with my partner” and leaves little room for self-reflection and self-awareness. It will also lead you to feel more out of control of the situation (because you are trying to control what is wrong with your spouse) and therefore, more hopeless that things will ever change.
2. Does your individual counselor help you understand the context of why your partner may be responding to you as they do?
Another pitfall in individual counseling is in a counselor’s well-intentioned desire to validate your feelings. They side with you, not your partner. They may tell you things like “They should know better,” “You deserve better,” “What were they expecting?” “They are abusive and gaslighting you.” There is a difference between someone who has a pattern of being manipulative, cunning, controlling, having little to no remorse for what they have done and someone who, when triggered, gets angry and critical of their partner or walls off their emotion to protect themselves. A healthy therapeutic relationship will help you to understand the context of why your spouse may be making certain decisions and how you can change your response to that.
3. Is the emphasis in your individual counseling sessions about you getting your needs met in your relationship?
This often happens with an emphasis on self-care, individual empowerment, and self-love without talking about these matters in the context of your relationship. When this happens, your individual needs become the priority over the needs of your relationship and family. This will inevitably harm your relationship. Self-care, empowerment, and self-love are all fundamental practices for those who are shame-based. The danger of not giving these practices context is that people can go from a place of shame, feeling as if they are not good enough to a grandiose place where they believe they are better than their partner or more deserving than what their partners provide. Therefore, they need to leave the relationship. People who practice relational empowerment and relational care share with their partner what their thoughts, needs, and desires are while also rooting for the relationship. Relational care helps you to become centered in the belief that “I have worth and matter despite my shortcomings.”
4. Does your individual or couples counselor encourage you to end your relationship (other than for your physical safety) without encouraging you to work on things in couples counseling?
It is important for relationship counselors to discuss what your “deal breakers” are in your relationship. Addiction? Ongoing affair? Untreated mental health issues? Those are all issues for you to decide. Many counselors who are not active in training or have little to no training in working with couples get overwhelmed with addressing relationship struggles. When untrained counselors get overwhelmed, they get hopeless and that hopelessness will seep into the couple’s relationship. If a counselor can’t help us, then we are doomed! Many issues can be addressed in couples counseling and if your counselor is encouraging you to end your relationship, that is likely due to their lack of training and experience in couples counseling.
5. Does your individual counselor encourage you to share your most intimate thoughts with your spouse?
Sharing your thoughts and feelings with a counselor, friends, or family without sharing them with your partner is often a sign of withdrawing and disengagement in your relationship. A trained couples therapist will encourage you to share these thoughts and feelings with your spouse so that you will engage in honest conversations with each other.
Counseling can absolutely be helpful to your relationship! It is important that you find the right counselor and approach it from a relational standpoint if you are seeking help with relationship issues. Below are some important things to consider when looking for a relationship counselor:
Find a counselor who is trained in couples counseling, has years of experience, and certifications in couples counseling.
Ask your counselor questions to try to better understand your partner’s perspective.
Bring your partner into your individual session to help you and your counselor learn more about their perspective.
Focus on your personal responsibility in the relationship.
Ask your counselor and discuss with them how you could handle things differently the next time a disagreement happens.
Make changing your personal role in unhealthy relationship patterns the focus of individual counseling.
If you are interested in setting up a counseling appointment or wish to learn more about the counseling services I provide individuals and couples, please call me at 701-478-4144.