Do you believe you may be in a relationship with a narcissist? I have some valuable information to share with you to help inform your thinking.

First, let’s look at what narcissism is. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual defines narcissism as “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

Specific traits of narcissism include the following:

an exaggerated sense of self-importance
a sense of entitlement that requires constant, excessive admiration
an expectation to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
exaggerated achievements and talents
a preoccupation with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
a belief that they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
a tendency to monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
an expectation of special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
a propensity to take advantage of others to get what they want
an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
envy of others and a belief others envy them
a conceited attitude, arrogant or haughty, boastful and pretentious
an insistence on having the best of everything for example, the best car or office

How do you know if someone has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? The only way to know is for a trained mental health professional to do a thorough evaluation of the individual. How common is NPD? NPD is rare. Statics state about 1% of the population or less has NPD.

Perhaps you read through that list and are still thinking your spouse is a narcissist. Let me share with you a bit about how we often relate to our partners when we are in an activated state. This may help you understand that what you are seeing is not necessarily narcissism.

In relationships with others, we are often triggered by our partners. One expert in the couples counseling field, Terry Real, states, “We all marry our unfinished business.” Relationships will trigger each of us into an activated state, and as couples, we will either grow together or we will grow apart.

When we are triggered in our relationships, our self-esteem will go one of two ways. The first way we can be triggered is to go to shame. Shame is when we tell ourselves we are a mess up. We are hypercritical of ourselves. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I do anything right? I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I don’t know why my partner is even with me! Shame is extremely damaging and dysfunctional in relationships.

Our self-esteem can also become grandiose when triggered. Grandiosity occurs when we believe we are better than our partners. We believe if our partners could just get their crap together, we wouldn’t be where we are right now. We are hypercritical of others. Why do you have to be so stupid? Won’t you ever learn? If you would just deal with your issues, I wouldn’t have to put up with this! Grandiosity is blaming our partners for our own issues, a discharge of our own shame. Grandiosity rationalizes and justifies and defends our actions. It blames others for the struggles in our relationships without any accountability.

Grandiosity looks a lot like narcissism. It alone is not narcissism, yet is a key trait of narcissism. Does that mean your partner is a narcissist if they are grandiose? Not necessarily. Does it look very similar? Yes.

Grandiosity is a discharge of your own shame. If it is difficult for you to take responsibility or be accountable for what you have done because you believe you are a mess up, it is easier for someone who is grandiose to blame their partner for what they have done. You are stuck deep in your shame.

The good news is with proper intervention, your partner can change their grandiose thinking and behaviors. It can be a struggle to learn humility, but once you put the focus on what you can control (yourself) and less focus on what you can’t control (your partner), the changes can provide direct, lasting, impacts on your relationship.

To learn more, please call 701-478-4144 to set up an appointment.