Are you a people pleaser in your relationships? Or, perhaps you are a withholder? These two terms are often confused, so I want to spend some time discussing how to differentiate what might be happening in your relationship.
If you are a people pleaser you go along with what other people say because you want them to like you. Do you regularly need reassurance and validation from your partner that things are okay between the two of you? Do you try to anticipate what they may want because you want them to be happy? Do you have a hard time saying no because it is important that your partner likes you?
People pleasing comes from a place of shame and boundarylessness. If you are a people pleaser in your relationship, you never hear enough about how much your partner loves you and cares for you. This may, at times, become overwhelming for your partner. It may feel to your partner as if there is a hole that can never be filled no matter how much they try to fill it with their reassurances.
Sometimes confused with people pleasers are withholders. People who withhold from relationships are avoiding conflict, not because they need reassurance and validation, but because they believe their partner needs to prove to them that they have done enough or because they have become withdrawn and resigned in the relationship. They often have given up and have unexpressed anger and resentment. Withholders often don’t understand what the big deal is and why their partner needs so much from them.
We get activated in our relationships. This happens when we are pained by hurt, rejection, or anger. During this activation, our self-esteem will either go down to shame (self-critical) or up to grandiosity (other-critical). Likewise, our boundaries will either become walled off (avoidant) or boundaryless (needing constant control or reassurance). People who go to shame take too much responsibility for issues, and people who go to grandiosity don’t take enough responsibility.
People pleasers are very critical of themselves. They tend to beat themselves up. If you tend to be someone who goes to shame, it is important to work on healthy self-esteem. Someone with a healthy self-esteem says “I am worthy of being in a relationship despite the issues I continue to struggle with and need to work through.” In addition to working on healthy self-esteem, it is important to develop self-regulation skills so that your esteem doesn’t rely on others’ opinions or ideas about you.
Withholders are most often critical of their partner. Withholders struggle with unexpressed anger and resentment. Many are keeping score with their partner. Withholders often wait to see if their partner will do the thing they want them to do before they consider being more present in their relationship. They wonder why they have to ask what they want from their partner because their partner should know better. They don’t want to have to ask for what they want because they want it to come naturally for their partner.
Contrary to people pleasers,if you are a withholder, you need to work on engaging and committing to your relationship and develop your assertiveness (not aggressiveness), by asking for what you want. You cannot be angry and resentful for something you are not asking for. If you are a withholder who is critical of your partner and are waiting for them to do what you want before you reinvest in your relationship, you need to focus on your own relationship dysfunction. Focusing on your partner is focusing on something you cannot control and will only leave you feeling more hopeless. By focusing on your own dysfunction, you can begin to make a lasting change in your relationship.
I hope this has given you some clarity on the difference between people pleasing and withholding. If you’d like to learn more please call 701-478-4144 and set up an appointment.