Research shows one of the keys to a lasting relationship is repair. When conflict gets heated, you say something you regret, and things don’t seem to settle. What do you do to get your relationship back on track?
I like to think of repair as rumble strips. When you are driving down the road and you start heading into cross-traffic or towards the ditch, you drive over those rumble strips. Those rumble strips tell you to pay attention and get back in your lane!
How do you get back to your own lane? How do you avoid going into the ditch in your relationship? Getting back to a place of repair with your partner can be difficult when emotions are running high. Here are some steps to remember to get to a place of repair:
1. Get yourself centered. Remember love. Remember, the reason you are speaking to your partner is to make things better. This isn’t about proving yourself right. You are here to move into harmony with your partner. You want to repair things.
2. Ask. Make a request of your partner, but don’t dump. Asking protects you and your partner. “There is something really weighing me down, and I need to talk with you about it. Is it an okay time to talk?” Remember, you are asking. They may say no. Hopefully, it is a responsive no. “No, I am overwhelmed with the kids right now. Can we talk later?” If it is not responsive, that’s okay. Try again later. If they say yes, give them appreciation for the yes. “Thank you for listening and taking the time.”
3. If they say yes, start the feedback wheel, using the following sentence frames. Each of these sub-steps require two sentences or less (eight sentences total).
a. This is what happened, or this is what I experienced. (If you played the video back what would you see?)
b. This is what I made up about it. Do not be abusive here. Take ownership of your faulty thinking.
c. This is how I feel about it. (This is not a thought that fits in step 2. Name a feeling such as joy, pain, anger, fear, shame, guilt, love.)
d. This is what you could do now that would make me feel better. (Ask for what you need now, what you would like now. What can they do for repair? Be as specific and behavioral as possible.)
4. Let go. Sometimes you get what you want, and sometimes you don’t. You are not in control of how your partner responds. You are only in complete control over how well you do in your relational practice.
It is important to know that all relationships need moments of repair. You can follow these steps, but it doesn’t guarantee that repair will happen. Go back to step 4 and let go. Maybe your partner is having an off day, or maybe they need some time to cool down before they are willing to accept the repair. By remembering that all you have control over is your role in relationality, you will feel more hopeful. Focusing on your partner’s role, or their response, will only lead to more hopelessness. The more you put the focus on what you cannot control, the more hopeless you will feel.
Interested in learning more about repair? Call 701-478-4144 to set up a counseling appointment.