What do you do if you are not getting what you want in your relationship? Speak up and let go. Detach yourself from the outcome. In this blog I will describe some essential relational skills I teach individuals and couples in counseling.
Below is a modified version of the popular serenity prayer to say to yourself:
Give me the courage to change the things I can (me and my behavior), the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you and your behavior) and the wisdom to know which is which!
You need to fight for your relationship. The key word is relationship. Roll up your sleeves and get to work. Do your best to get to your message to your partner, and try doing so in a number of ways. One and done doesn’t work in relationships. Bottom line: you may not get exactly what you want. If you don’t get it, you will survive. Instead of trying to get things your way come hell or high water, detach yourself from the outcome.
Many people in relationships believe that they are going to get out of their partner what they want one way or another. This is the losing relationship strategy of control and will only feed ongoing power struggles in your relationship. You need to practice the skill of detachment. To detach from the outcome, pay attention to your patterns. Keep your eyes off of your partner’s patterns. Pay attention to your relational practice, both how you initiate connection with your partner and how you respond to your partner. Sometimes you get what you want in relationships, and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes your partner is at a healthy enough spot to respond to you, and sometimes they are in their own funk. You know what that is like, don’t you? Those moments when you are stubborn. When you care about you and only you. Or when you are so overwhelmed with what is going on in your life that the last thing you want is for pressure to come from your unhappy partner.
If every time your partner gets muddy, you jump into the mud pit with them, you are bound to repeat the same dysfunctional cycles over and over again. In healthy couples, when your partner gets muddy, you dig deep and hold the relationship in high regard. You avoid all of the mud-slinging. Empathize with your partner’s sadness, anger, or hurt even if you disagree with the premise of what they are saying. This skill is called relational integrity. Choose to listen to the message your partner is trying to give you without judging how they are going about saying it, this is a strong relational skill.
Try two or three times to be reasonable with your partner by making a repair attempt, such as “Honey, I am so sorry I said that. I’d like to try again.” If that doesn’t work, take a healthy break. This doesn’t mean stonewalling, or walking away from your partner. A healthy break sounds like, “I can tell you are really angry right now, and I am feeling flooded. I want to give us some space so we can have a conversation that respects our relationship. I’ll check-in with you in a half hour and see if we are there.”
Growing into relational integrity often feels like growing into little lonely moments. These moments are temporary. This is a skill in relational living. If your partner is down deep in the mud it is a bad day for them and a “meh” day for your relationship. If you stay out of the mud, it is a great day for you. These moments need to be celebrated. They need to be celebrated because you took a stand for your relationship instead of yourself. There is nothing to feel high and mighty about because soon, you’ll be in the mud and will have to find your way out too.
We know from research that couples that stay together have unique constellations of problems. These couples learn to accept characteristics about their partner and the unique problems their relationship brings - and they let go.
Letting go is an essential skill in relational living.
Interested in learning more about relational integrity? To set up a counseling appointment please call 701-478-4144.