What is relational care, and what gets in the way of practicing it? When relational care is practiced, it is clear to the other person that not only are you rooting for them, but you are rooting for the relationship. You hold the other person in warm regard, giving them the benefit of the doubt and believing the best of them. Relational care means you put the needs of the relationship first, which means, at times, setting aside your own needs or desires. This is a skill we need to develop as an adult. Empathy, kindness, and understanding are all skills of relational care. The assumption of relational care is that one doesn’t exist in a vacuum without our choices or words affecting others. If you were to set a boundary with someone you care about by telling them, “I will no longer tolerate the stupid remarks you make,” do you think that statement would help or hurt the relationship? Relational care teaches us how to remain connected with those we wish to remain connected to.
Here are some ways we get in the way of practicing good relational care:
We use misery stabilizers. Misery stabilizers are different ways we check out of relationships-work; shopping; television; cellphone, computer or internet use; politics; substances; jealousy; resentment; comparing; or complaining.
We need to be right. For some, there is nothing more important than the need to be right. Instead of trying to understand our partner, we get louder, defend, interrupt, and prove them wrong. We listen to respond not understand. At times, we may use righteous indignation. We are shocked that our partner would ever have any negative idea about us! Not only is our partner wrong, but they must be an idiot to have a thought like that about us! This puts us in a victim role.
We control our partner. We can control our partner by believing we are better than them. “You don’t even know what you are doing. I’ll do it.” Manipulating, guilting, or using passive-aggressiveness, which includes sarcasm. “I would hate for you to have to take the kids to school like I do every day of the week.”
We use unbridled self-expression. This happens when we are explosive in how we express ourselves to our partner. This occurs when our speech is used as a weapon to harm and threaten our partner. “You are as worthless as your father. I knew I should have never married you!”
We engage in retaliation. Retaliation is used to pay our partners back for the wrong they did to us. This is when we seek revenge or try to punish our partner for what they have done. An example of this would be having a reciprocal affair.
We withdraw. Withdrawal is used to check out of situations with our partner. Sometimes, we physically withdraw from our partners by leaving the room. At other times, we are physically present, but we are emotionally checked out.
Relational care skills are taught in individual and couples counseling. If you are interested in learning more about how to care for your relationship, call me at 701-478-4144 to set up a counseling appointment.