Relational care is a concept that revolves around the idea of prioritizing the health and well-being of a relationship. When relational care is practiced, it becomes evident to the other person that you are not only supporting them but also nurturing the relationship itself. This involves holding the other person in warm regard, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and believing the best of them. Practicing relational care means putting the needs of the relationship first, which sometimes requires setting aside your own needs or desires. This skill, essential in adult relationships, encompasses empathy, kindness, and understanding.
The Essence of Relational Care
Relational care assumes that our actions and words have an impact on others and that we do not exist in isolation. For example, consider setting a boundary with someone you care about by saying, “I will no longer tolerate the stupid remarks you make.” Such a statement would likely harm the relationship rather than help it. Relational care teaches us how to remain connected with those we wish to maintain a relationship with, fostering a supportive and understanding environment.
Obstacles to Practicing Relational Care
Despite the importance of relational care, several behaviors can hinder our ability to practice it effectively. Here are some common ways we get in the way of good relational care:
Misery Stabilizers
Misery stabilizers are various ways we disconnect from relationships. These include excessive work, shopping, television, cellphone, computer or internet use, politics, substances, jealousy, resentment, comparing ourselves to others, and complaining. These activities can serve as distractions that prevent us from fully engaging with our partners and nurturing our relationships.
The Need to Be Right
For some, the need to be right takes precedence over understanding their partner. Instead of listening to understand, they listen to respond. This often involves getting louder, defending, interrupting, and proving the other person wrong. Such behavior can include righteous indignation, where one is shocked that their partner could have any negative thoughts about them. This attitude puts them in a victim role and hinders the practice of relational care.
Controlling Behavior
Controlling behavior involves believing that one is better than their partner and undermining their capabilities. Phrases like, “You don’t even know what you are doing. I’ll do it,” exemplify this mindset. Manipulating, guilting, or using passive-aggressive tactics, such as sarcasm, are also forms of control. For example, saying, “I would hate for you to have to take the kids to school like I do every day of the week,” undermines and devalues the partner's efforts.
Unbridled Self-Expression
Unbridled self-expression occurs when one is explosive in their communication with their partner. This involves using speech as a weapon to harm and threaten, such as saying, “You are as worthless as your father. I knew I should have never married you!” Such harmful expressions damage the relationship and undermine the principles of relational care.
Retaliation
Retaliation is the act of paying back one’s partner for perceived wrongs. This involves seeking revenge or trying to punish the partner for their actions. An example of retaliation is having a reciprocal affair in response to infidelity. Such actions escalate conflicts and erode the foundation of trust and care in a relationship.
Withdrawal
Withdrawal involves checking out of situations with one’s partner. This can be physical, such as leaving the room, or emotional, where one is present but not engaged. Withdrawal creates distance and hampers the development of a caring and connected relationship.
Developing Relational Care Skills
Relational care skills are vital for maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships. These skills can be developed through individual and couples counseling. Counseling provides a space to learn and practice empathy, kindness, understanding, and other relational care skills. By doing so, individuals can improve their relationships and create a supportive environment for their partners.
If you are interested in learning more about how to care for your relationship and develop these skills, consider seeking counseling. You can reach out to me at 701-478-4144 to set up an appointment and start your journey towards better relational care.
Relational care is an ongoing practice that requires effort, understanding, and a willingness to put the relationship first. By identifying and addressing behaviors that hinder relational care, individuals can build stronger, more supportive relationships that thrive on empathy and mutual respect.