Isn’t it interesting that as adults, we often feel frustrated when children ask us “why” repeatedly? The seemingly endless questioning can test our patience. Yet, children are merely trying to make sense of the world around them. They want to understand why something is the way it is, how it works, or how it came to be. However, as adults, we often find ourselves grappling with this same question, but in a more profound and emotional context. Have you ever found yourself asking “why,” not as a response to a child’s curiosity, but as a way to cope with something that doesn’t make sense? These "why" questions often surface in the face of life’s hardest challenges—whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or a difficult medical diagnosis. The question “why” becomes a reflection of our struggle to make sense of the pain and loss.
Grief and the Universal Question of "Why"
When we experience loss, grief manifests in unique and personal ways, yet the question of "why" is almost universal. Whether we’ve lost a loved one or experienced a betrayal, the question of "why" often becomes the focal point of our pain. "Why did she have an affair?" "Why did he leave?" "Why did we get divorced?" These questions can haunt us, leading us to feel stuck and powerless. The more we wrestle with these questions, the more we can feel that our lives are spinning out of control.
However, while it’s natural to ask "why" during times of grief and loss, the answers we seek may not offer the resolution we hope for. Even if you uncover the reasons for a betrayal or loss, they rarely provide the emotional closure you seek. Understanding "why" doesn’t necessarily ease the hurt, nor does it restore what was lost. Ultimately, power comes not from finding answers, but from learning to live with the unanswered questions and still moving forward.
Reclaiming Your Power in the Face of Uncertainty
Though we instinctively seek answers to difficult questions, reclaiming your power comes not from solving the "why," but from accepting that some things cannot be explained. It’s okay to ask questions like “Why did they leave?” or “Why did this happen to me?” There is nothing wrong with seeking clarity. However, what’s important is understanding that answers—when they come—may not provide the relief or closure you desire. It’s rare for someone to receive an answer to a painful question and think, “That’s it! Now I understand,” and feel entirely at peace.
Instead, real power lies in being able to live without a satisfying answer. Moving forward with open questions, rather than remaining stuck in the pursuit of answers, allows you to regain control of your life. You can’t control why someone hurt you, but you can control how you respond and how you move forward. Your ability to reclaim power comes from embracing uncertainty and making choices that lead to healing.
Different Grieving Styles: Understanding and Acceptance
People grieve in various ways, and it’s important to recognize that no one way is right or wrong. Some individuals are emotional, feeling-centered grievers who process their loss by expressing their emotions deeply. Others are thinking-centered grievers who intellectualize the experience. Still, there are practical grievers—those who focus on the logistical aspects of loss rather than their emotions. These individuals may appear unemotional, choosing to "move on" without expressing outward signs of grief.
In my practice, I’ve observed how practical grievers can be misunderstood, especially by their more emotionally expressive partners. Practical grievers may come across as dismissive, even callous, because they focus on "moving forward" rather than dwelling on feelings. However, it’s important to realize that practical grievers are not necessarily less affected by the loss—they simply process grief in a different way. Just as you can’t be forced to stop crying or feeling sad, practical grievers can’t be made to express their emotions in the same way.
Allowing others to grieve in their own way can help you feel more centered and empowered. Judging or criticizing someone else’s grieving style diminishes both your power and theirs. Instead, embracing the differences in grieving styles can lead to greater understanding and healing.
Addressing Feelings of Powerlessness
In the aftermath of loss or betrayal, it’s common to feel as if someone has taken away your power. Perhaps you feel that your partner who left you stole your happiness, or the person who betrayed you robbed you of your trust. When grappling with these emotions, it can be helpful to sit down and ask yourself, “What do I feel was taken from me?”
Take the time to make a list of everything you feel was stolen—without judgment or censorship. This exercise allows you to acknowledge your sense of loss fully. Then, go back to that list and reclaim what was taken. For example, if you believe someone stole your sense of security, write down, “I now reclaim my security.” This act of reclaiming gives you the opportunity to take back control and rebuild the aspects of your life that you felt were lost.
Moving Forward After Loss
While you cannot change the fact that you’ve experienced loss, you can change what happens after it. Your journey toward healing begins when you start to reclaim the things you feel were taken from you. Even if things will never be exactly the same, you can create a new version of your life that reflects your strength and resilience. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting the loss or pretending it didn’t happen—it means finding new ways to embrace life with the lessons learned from your experience.
Seeking Support and Guidance
If you find yourself struggling with the pain of loss and the unanswered questions of "why," it may be helpful to seek guidance. Having someone to help navigate the complexities of grief can provide clarity and support during challenging times. Whether you are dealing with the end of a relationship, the death of a loved one, or a difficult medical diagnosis, it’s important to remember that while you may never get all the answers, you have the power to heal and move forward.
If you would like to explore this process further, feel free to reach out for support. The journey through grief is deeply personal, but you don’t have to walk it alone.