The Wrong Kind of Help at the Wrong Time
When one partner says they are thinking about divorce, the instinct for many is to act fast — to fix, to fight for the marriage, to get into therapy right away. It feels like action equals hope. But if your spouse is already emotionally checked out, pushing them into traditional marriage counseling often does more harm than good.
Marriage counseling assumes that both partners are at least somewhat committed to working on the relationship. It is designed for two people who still see the marriage as something worth repairing, even if it is painful or hard. But if your spouse has already crossed that line into seriously considering leaving, the structure of marriage counseling no longer fits. It can actually push them further away.
Here is why.
The Job Analogy: Why Pressure Creates Exit
Imagine you have been thinking about quitting your job. You are drained, burned out, frustrated with management. You catch yourself browsing job boards, imagining what it would be like to work somewhere else, somewhere you actually feel appreciated.
Then one day, your boss walks into your office and says, “I have got more projects for you. Let’s double down and make this place great again.”
At that point, what happens inside you? You do not feel inspired. You feel trapped. You are already half out the door, and now someone is telling you to dig in deeper, to care more, to stay longer. That is the moment you quit.
That is what it feels like when a spouse who is contemplating divorce gets told, “We need to go to marriage counseling.” In their mind, you have just walked in with a clipboard and said, “Here is more work for you.”
The Emotional Reality
By the time someone is considering divorce, they have usually been struggling in silence for a long time. They have replayed the same fights in their head, tried different approaches, numbed out, re-engaged, given up, and maybe re-engaged again. They have been working at it, maybe not in ways that you recognized, but internally, they have been trying to make peace with something that feels unfixable.
When that person hears “marriage counseling,” what they often hear underneath is, “Let’s talk about all the ways you have failed and all the things you still need to fix.” It is not that they are anti-growth. It is that they do not want to sign up for another round of emotional exhaustion just to end up in the same place.
Why Discernment Counseling Is Different
Discernment Counseling was designed for exactly this situation, when one partner wants to save the marriage and the other is leaning out. It is not marriage counseling. It is a short-term process, usually one to five sessions, focused on helping each partner gain clarity and confidence about the next step, whether that means working on the marriage, moving toward separation, or pausing to think further.
The structure respects the fact that you and your spouse may not be in the same place emotionally. It does not try to drag the leaning-out partner into problem-solving mode before they are ready. Instead, it creates space for honest reflection.
For the partner who wants out, it is a chance to slow down and look at what is really driving their decision, to make sure it is clear and not just reactive. For the partner who wants to save the marriage, it is a chance to understand what went wrong without turning every session into a debate about who is right.
The goal is not to fix the marriage in the moment. It is to help both people decide, with intention, what deserves to happen next.
The Value of Slowing Down
When a spouse feels pressured to go to counseling they do not want, they often shut down or agree reluctantly just to end the argument. That rarely leads anywhere productive. In contrast, when someone feels understood — when they hear, “I know you are unsure about this marriage, and I do not want to pressure you. I just want us to have a clear, respectful process for figuring out what happens next” — they are far more likely to stay engaged.
Discernment Counseling replaces the tug-of-war with curiosity. Instead of trying to convince your partner to stay, you are inviting them to explore why they want to go. That shift alone changes everything. It lowers defensiveness, restores dignity, and helps both people start telling the truth.
What Often Happens Next
In some cases, couples who start with Discernment Counseling end up choosing to work on the marriage, but they do it from a different place. The partner who was leaning out begins to see that repair might be possible. The partner who wanted to save the marriage starts understanding what “saving” really means and what has to change.
And sometimes, couples do decide to end the marriage. But even then, it happens with more respect, more understanding, and less chaos. That clarity matters — for your own healing, for your family, and for whatever comes next.
A Better Way to Start the Conversation
If you are the one still holding on, you do not have to convince your spouse that marriage counseling is the answer. You can say something like:
“I understand you are not sure you want to stay. I do not want to pressure you. I just want us to have a chance to understand what is really happening and make this decision carefully. There is a process called Discernment Counseling that helps couples in exactly our situation. Would you be open to one conversation about that?”
That is not manipulation. It is respect. It tells your spouse you care about their clarity, not just your outcome.
The Bottom Line
Pushing for traditional marriage counseling when one partner wants out is like handing them a heavier workload when they are already drafting their resignation letter. It does not bring them back. It confirms why they wanted to leave.
Discernment Counseling is the pause button. It is not about forcing a decision. It is about slowing down enough to make one with integrity.
When the road forks, clarity is better than pressure, and that is exactly what this process offers.