A Shift in How We See Relationships
Over the past several decades, marriage has gone through a dramatic transformation. Family therapist Bill Doherty describes this new reality as the “consumer marriage.” In the past, marriage was seen as a commitment built on shared values, mutual support, and a sense of duty to one another and the family. While people wanted to be happy together, personal fulfillment was not the central organizing principle.
Today, cultural expectations have shifted. We are told that the best relationships are those that meet our deepest personal needs and desires. The idea of the “soul mate” relationship is everywhere from self help books to romantic movies to social media. The promise is that the right relationship will bring constant connection, emotional intimacy, and shared passion. The result is that many of our personal “wants” have quietly moved into the category of “needs.” And when those needs are not met exactly as we imagined, dissatisfaction creeps in.
From Wants to Non Negotiables
In a consumer marriage, the bar for satisfaction is set high. It is no longer enough for a partner to be kind, dependable, and committed. We may also expect them to be our best friend, our greatest source of emotional support, an excellent communicator, a passionate lover, and someone who fully shares our worldview and lifestyle preferences.
These are not unreasonable hopes in small doses, but when every want becomes a non negotiable need, the pressure on the relationship skyrockets. Even solid, loving partnerships can feel inadequate because they do not deliver on every single expectation.
The Self Help Effect
The rise of self help books and personal growth culture has fueled this shift. On the positive side, these resources have encouraged people to seek deeper connection and better communication skills. But they have also reinforced the idea that a truly good relationship should check all the boxes all the time.
When couples read about “ideal” relationships, they may begin to view their own bond through a lens of constant comparison. Any shortcoming whether it is a gap in emotional intimacy, a lull in sexual passion, or a difference in hobbies can start to feel like evidence that something is fundamentally wrong.
The Hidden Problem: What We Give vs. What We Get
At the heart of Doherty’s critique is that consumer marriage focuses too much on “What am I getting from this relationship?” and not enough on “What am I giving to it?” When we measure the health of a relationship mainly by what we receive, the partnership becomes a transaction. We become customers looking for satisfaction rather than partners building something together.
This mindset erodes resilience. Every relationship will go through seasons where one or both partners cannot give at full capacity whether due to stress, illness, parenting demands, or other life changes. In a consumer mindset, these dips are more likely to be seen as dealbreakers rather than challenges to work through together.
The Illusion of a Better Option
Consumer marriage also fuels the belief that there is always potentially a better partner out there someone more attentive, more aligned with our interests, more passionate. Dating apps and social media amplify this illusion by constantly showcasing other possibilities. Even when people are not actively seeking another partner, the awareness of endless choice can subtly undermine commitment.
This does not mean people should stay in unhealthy or truly unfulfilling relationships. But it does mean that constant comparison and “what if” thinking can create restlessness and dissatisfaction, even in relationships that are essentially good.
The Emotional Toll
When we are constantly measuring our relationships against an idealized standard, disappointment is inevitable. We may find ourselves in a cycle of frustration and withdrawal, or we may jump from one relationship to the next, hoping the next one will finally be “the one” that meets every need. Over time, this can erode our capacity for long term intimacy and partnership.
Moving Toward a Partnership Mindset
The alternative to a consumer marriage is not lowering all expectations and settling for less. It is shifting the balance between what we get and what we give. Here are some ways to move toward a more grounded approach:
Value contribution as much as fulfillment
Ask not only how your partner meets your needs, but also how you show up for them. This keeps the relationship from becoming one sided.Differentiate between needs and preferences
Some needs such as safety, respect, and basic emotional connection are essential. Preferences such as shared hobbies or identical communication styles matter, but they do not have to be perfect matches to have a good relationship.Embrace imperfection
No partner will meet every desire. Accepting this can reduce disappointment and open the door to appreciating what you do have.Invest during the hard seasons
Relationships deepen when we stick together through challenges rather than viewing them as signs we chose the wrong person.
A More Sustainable Love
Marriage and long term partnerships thrive when they are rooted in mutual commitment, realistic expectations, and a willingness to give as much as we hope to receive. This does not mean ignoring your own needs or staying in a relationship that is unhealthy. It means recognizing that lasting love is built on more than the constant fulfillment of personal desires.
Bill Doherty’s multi decade perspective reminds us that while cultural narratives have shifted toward personal fulfillment, the deepest satisfaction often comes from shared purpose, resilience, and the ongoing choice to show up for each other. The most enduring relationships are not those that constantly meet an ever expanding list of wants, but those where both partners feel valued, supported, and willing to keep building together.