Understanding Boundaries in Relationships

Boundaries are a hot topic in personal growth and relationships, but not all boundaries serve the same purpose. While some boundaries protect and strengthen relationships, others may unintentionally push people away or build walls that make meaningful connection difficult.

In Relational Life Therapy (RLT), we distinguish between two essential types of boundaries:

Containing Boundaries – These help us regulate our own emotions and reactions, ensuring we don’t overwhelm our loved ones with unchecked feelings.
Protective Boundaries – These safeguard us from harm by defining when to say no, step back, or create distance from unhealthy behaviors.

The key to relational health? Using both types effectively. Too much containment without protection can leave us vulnerable to harm, while too much protection without containment can isolate us from meaningful relationships. Let’s break this down further with examples.

Containing Boundaries: Managing Your Own Reactions

Containing boundaries focus on self-regulation. They help us hold our emotions responsibly so that we don’t lash out, withdraw, or behave in ways that damage our relationships. Imagine holding a full cup of coffee—if you walk too fast or move recklessly, the coffee spills onto those around you. Containing boundaries help us steady the cup.

Examples of Containing Boundaries:

Taking a deep breath before responding in an argument – Instead of snapping back in frustration, pausing allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively.
Recognizing when emotions are running high – If you’re feeling overwhelmed, taking a step back to process your feelings before addressing an issue can prevent unnecessary conflict.
Using "I" statements instead of blaming – Saying, “I feel hurt when this happens,” instead of “You always do this!” invites conversation rather than defensiveness.

Containing boundaries are crucial in maintaining emotional safety within a relationship. They help us engage in difficult conversations without making them destructive.

Protective Boundaries: Knowing When to Say No

Protective boundaries, on the other hand, help us maintain our well-being by recognizing when a situation or behavior is harmful. If containing boundaries are about steadying your coffee cup, protective boundaries are like wearing a raincoat—you don’t control the weather, but you can decide not to stand in the rain without protection.

Examples of Protective Boundaries:

Saying no to harmful behavior – If someone consistently disrespects you, setting a firm boundary (e.g., “I won’t engage in conversations where I am being insulted”) protects your self-respect.
Limiting exposure to negativity – If a family member or coworker is frequently critical or draining, choosing to interact with them less or in controlled environments can be a form of self-care.
Ending a conversation that turns abusive – If a discussion escalates to yelling or name-calling, stating, “I won’t continue this conversation if we can’t speak respectfully,” is a clear protective boundary.

Protective boundaries allow us to prioritize our emotional and physical safety while maintaining autonomy in our relationships.

The Balance Between Protection and Containment

While both types of boundaries are essential, relying too much on one without the other can create problems.

Too much containment without protection: If you constantly regulate your emotions but don’t protect yourself from harmful behavior, you might end up feeling unheard, exhausted, or taken advantage of.
Too much protection without containment: If you are quick to cut people off or build walls at the first sign of conflict, you may prevent meaningful relationships from developing.

The goal is to find a balance—being able to manage your emotions while also protecting yourself from harm.

Applying Boundaries in Real Life

Here are some practical ways to integrate both types of boundaries effectively:

Practice Emotional Awareness – Check in with yourself before reacting. Ask, “Is this something I need to contain, or do I need to set a protective boundary?”
Communicate Clearly – When setting boundaries, be direct yet compassionate. “I need some time to cool down before we continue this conversation” is both containing (not lashing out) and protective (giving yourself space).
Recognize Patterns – If you’re frequently overwhelmed or hurt in a relationship, assess whether you’re overusing one type of boundary while neglecting the other.
Give Yourself Permission to Say No – Protective boundaries don’t make you selfish; they help you engage in relationships in a way that feels safe and healthy.

Building Bridges, Not Walls

Boundaries should foster connection, not just distance. When used well, they create a relational environment where both people feel safe, respected, and valued. Containing boundaries help us engage with care, while protective boundaries ensure we’re not engaging at the cost of our well-being.

By balancing these two types of boundaries, we can cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships—ones where we can be both open and secure, present and protected.