In relationships, whether romantic or platonic, a strong foundation is essential. Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, experts in the field of relationship psychology, have researched and emphasized the role of friendship in building and maintaining successful relationships. According to their findings, couples and individuals who prioritize friendship create more meaningful connections, lasting bonds, and navigate conflicts more effectively. This article explores the concept of building a culture of friendship through their research, offering practical strategies for nurturing these vital relationships.
Understanding the Gottmans’ Research
Dr. John Gottman is best known for his pioneering research on marital stability and the dynamics of long-term relationships. Over decades of study, he and his wife Julie discovered that the foundation of strong, lasting relationships—romantic or otherwise—lies in friendship. While many people might assume that passion or shared interests are the bedrock of a successful relationship, the Gottmans argue that friendship, more than anything, strengthens the emotional and psychological bond between individuals.
In their research, the Gottmans developed what they call the "Sound Relationship House," a model for building healthy relationships. At the core of this house is the concept of friendship, which they define through three pillars:
Love Maps: Knowing the inner world of your partner or friend.
Fondness and Admiration: Expressing genuine respect and appreciation.
Turning Toward: Responding positively to bids for attention, connection, or affirmation.
These pillars not only apply to romantic relationships but to any meaningful connection, including friendships. By developing these elements, people can build lasting bonds rooted in understanding, appreciation, and responsiveness.
Building Love Maps: Deepening Understanding
The first step to fostering a strong friendship is building a “Love Map,” a term the Gottmans use to describe the knowledge one has of their partner’s or friend’s inner world. A Love Map includes understanding their dreams, fears, joys, preferences, and significant life events. Essentially, it’s a mental roadmap of what makes the other person tick.
In the context of a friendship, building a Love Map involves being genuinely curious about the other person’s life. This goes beyond surface-level conversations. It means taking time to ask thoughtful questions like:
"What are some of your favorite childhood memories?"
"What’s something you’ve been really passionate about lately?"
"Are there any challenges you're facing that I can support you with?"
By actively engaging in these kinds of conversations, you not only gain insight into your friend’s inner world but also show them that you care about their experiences and emotions.
An example of this can be seen in long-term friendships. Take the relationship between two childhood friends, Sarah and Maria. Over the years, they’ve built an extensive Love Map of each other’s lives. Sarah knows that Maria struggles with stress during exam season, so she checks in regularly during those times to offer support. In turn, Maria knows Sarah loves hiking, so she plans outings in nature to help Sarah unwind. By understanding each other’s needs and priorities, they strengthen their bond.
Cultivating Fondness and Admiration: Celebrating Each Other
The second key element in building a culture of friendship is cultivating fondness and admiration. According to the Gottmans, this is the antidote to contempt, one of the most corrosive forces in any relationship. When people express appreciation and admiration for one another, it helps maintain a positive perspective, even during challenging times.
In friendships, this can manifest in small but meaningful ways. For example, you might send a text to a friend simply to tell them you’re thinking of them or to compliment something specific they did. Compliments and kind words contribute to a culture of respect and appreciation.
Consider a scenario where friends Jordan and Taylor frequently express their admiration for each other. Jordan appreciates how kind and empathetic Taylor is and tells him so regularly. Taylor, in return, admires Jordan’s creativity and problem-solving skills. Their habit of celebrating each other’s strengths not only boosts self-esteem but also reinforces the positive aspects of their friendship, making it more resilient.
Turning Toward: Responding to Bids for Connection
The third pillar of the Gottmans’ friendship model is "Turning Toward." This involves how people respond to bids for connection—whether those are overt requests for attention or subtle gestures. These bids could be as simple as a comment about the weather or as profound as seeking advice on a personal matter.
When a person "turns toward" their friend’s bids for attention, they demonstrate that they are present and engaged. In contrast, turning away or ignoring those bids can create distance over time.
An example of turning toward can be seen in a friendship where one person mentions they’re having a tough day. Instead of brushing it off, a friend might offer to listen, empathize, or provide support in another meaningful way. By consistently turning toward each other, both friends feel valued, seen, and connected.
A classic example from the Gottmans’ research is a couple where one partner comments about the beauty of the sunset. The other partner, instead of ignoring the comment or responding disinterestedly, turns toward and agrees or engages in the moment, sharing the experience. This principle works the same in friendships—by acknowledging and responding to small bids, friendships grow stronger.
Maintaining Friendship During Conflict
Even the closest friendships experience conflict. However, the Gottmans’ research shows that friendships built on Love Maps, fondness, admiration, and turning toward each other can weather these storms more easily. When friends have a strong foundation, they are more likely to approach conflicts with empathy, communicate effectively, and repair any misunderstandings.
When conflicts arise, friends can use the Gottmans' techniques of "softened startup" and "repair attempts" to navigate disagreements without damaging their bond. For instance, instead of accusing a friend of neglecting them, a softened startup might involve expressing feelings vulnerably, saying, "I’ve been missing you and would love to spend more time together."
Conclusion: Friendship as a Lifelong Investment
The Gottmans’ research highlights that friendship is not just a byproduct of relationships—it’s the foundation. By building Love Maps, cultivating admiration, and turning toward each other’s bids for connection, people can create a culture of friendship that enriches their lives. Whether in romantic relationships or lifelong friendships, prioritizing these practices helps nurture bonds that stand the test of time.