"You never spend time with me anymore!"
"Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!"
"You don't even want to be married, do you?"
I often work with couples that have one partner begging for a closer relationship with one breath, and then they viciously attack with the next. Or they will produce an extensive list of reasons why their spouse is lousy, while at the same time wondering why their feedback is ignored.
Is this a familiar pattern for you? Do you hear yourself being overly-critical when you just want to express your desire for more connection?
Are you an Angry Pursuer? The Angry Pursuer is a contradiction. You fiercely want to become closer, but you are confrontational when your partner tries to reach out to you. You want your partner to love you at a higher standard and are critical whenever they fail to meet that bar.
Anger and yelling will only push your partner away. It's hard on a relationship when a partner is told how disappointing they are as a spouse. It's impossible to heal a relationship when the home is filled with tension and discord.
How to identify if you are an Angry Pursuer:
When you are feeling anxious do you react by wanting to spend more time with your partner?
Do you get emotionally intense when you are feeling anxious?
Are you critical of your partner when you feel like they are not responding to you?
Do you feel rejected when your partner wants some alone time or time away from you?
Do you feel frustrated and get critical if your partner is not expressing their thoughts or feelings?
Do you tend to react or speak impulsively towards your spouse in stressful situations?
This type of behavior is self-defeating and cruel. It will create a larger emotional disconnection as one partner puts up a defensive wall to protect themselves. It creates a coercive dynamic in the relationship, where one partner will feel like they are being controlled. This tells a partner that if they don't do as they are told, they will be punished. They will 'fail' somehow. The demands will only cause a partner to withdraw more... to push further away. This behavior created a cycle that leads to chronic resentment and more anger and it will end a relationship.
Do you want your spouse to spend more time with you? Do you also see these patterns winding through your relationship?
Take a step back. Think about how you would want to be approached in this situation. You want to be inviting. You need to learn emotion regulation. You want to provide the type of circumstances that will show your partner that you are trying to reconnect without anger. This won't fix your relationship overnight, but it also won't create any more damage. If you are calm and welcoming and are consistent at created a calm and welcoming atmosphere, your spouse is more likely to turn towards you versus turning away. What you want to convey is a genuine concern for the relationship. "Where are you? I need you. What can I do to help?" Approach your spouse in a way that says "I'm rooting for us. I miss us."
Focus on creating a welcoming environment. Be aware of and take responsibility for your criticism and anger. Regulate and replace your anger with a more positive approach. Start to share with your partner your desire to be as connected as you once were. Tell your partner how much you miss them. Let them know the pieces of the relationship that you miss sharing with them.
By taking more control over your thoughts and emotions, you will feel more in control of your life. Dysfunctional relationships have patterns and you can learn to recognize and repair the behaviors that do harm. I love helping individuals and couples learn how to develop the skills to create real and lasting change in their relationships!
If you would like some help on that journey, please email or call me at 701-478-4144.
Note: I decided to edit and republish this post as it has been one of the most popular blogs I’ve written. This information resonates with so many of you. If would like to set up a counseling appointment to help manage your anger, please reach out.