Understanding the Angry Pursuer
"You never spend time with me anymore!"
"Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!"
"You don't even want to be married, do you?"
These are statements I frequently hear from couples in therapy sessions. One partner begs for a closer relationship with one breath, then lashes out with the next. They might present a litany of reasons why their spouse is inadequate, while simultaneously wondering why their feedback goes unheeded.
Does this pattern sound familiar? Do you find yourself being overly critical when all you want is to express a desire for more connection?
The Angry Pursuer: A Paradox
Are you an Angry Pursuer? This term describes someone who desperately wants a closer relationship but becomes confrontational when their partner tries to reach out. Angry Pursuers desire a deeper connection but are critical whenever their partner fails to meet their high standards. This contradictory behavior can be destructive.
Anger and yelling only push your partner away. Constantly telling your spouse how disappointing they are creates a toxic environment filled with tension and discord. Healing a relationship is impossible in such an atmosphere.
Identifying the Angry Pursuer in You
Here are some signs that you might be an Angry Pursuer:
Increased Anxiety and Desire for Time Together: When you feel anxious, do you react by wanting to spend more time with your partner?
Emotional Intensity: Do you get emotionally intense when you're anxious?
Critical Behavior: Are you critical of your partner when they don't respond to you as expected?
Feelings of Rejection: Do you feel rejected when your partner wants alone time or time away from you?
Frustration with Communication: Do you feel frustrated and critical if your partner isn't expressing their thoughts or feelings?
Impulsive Reactions: Do you tend to react or speak impulsively towards your spouse in stressful situations?
The Harmful Effects of Angry Pursuit
This behavior is self-defeating and cruel. It creates a larger emotional disconnection as one partner builds a defensive wall to protect themselves. The relationship becomes coercive, where one partner feels controlled. This dynamic sends the message that if they don't comply, they will be punished and 'fail.' Consequently, the partner withdraws more, pushing further away. This behavior creates a cycle of chronic resentment and anger, ultimately threatening the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle
If you want your spouse to spend more time with you and recognize these patterns in your relationship, it's time to take a step back. Think about how you would like to be approached in this situation. Aim to be inviting and practice emotion regulation. Show your partner that you are trying to reconnect without anger. While this won't fix your relationship overnight, it won't create additional damage either.
Creating a Welcoming Environment
Be calm and welcoming. Consistently create a peaceful atmosphere. When your spouse feels this calmness, they are more likely to turn towards you rather than away. Convey genuine concern for the relationship with messages like, "Where are you? I need you. What can I do to help?" Approach your spouse in a way that says, "I'm rooting for us. I miss us."
Steps to Change
Acknowledge and Take Responsibility: Be aware of and take responsibility for your criticism and anger.
Regulate Your Emotions: Replace anger with a more positive approach.
Communicate Your Desire: Share with your partner your desire to reconnect. Tell them how much you miss them and the aspects of the relationship you miss.
The Path to a Healthier Relationship
By taking control of your thoughts and emotions, you'll feel more in control of your life. Dysfunctional relationships have patterns, but you can learn to recognize and repair harmful behaviors. Developing these skills can create real and lasting change in your relationships.
Seeking Help
If you would like assistance on this journey, please email or call me at 701-478-4144. I love helping individuals and couples learn how to develop the skills necessary for healthy, lasting relationships.
Note: I decided to edit and republish this post as it has been one of the most popular blogs I’ve written. This information resonates with many of you. If you would like to set up a counseling appointment to help manage your anger, please reach out.