When couples reach a critical juncture where the prospect of divorce looms large, the instinctive solution might be to dive into marriage counseling. While traditional marriage counseling aims to resolve issues and improve relationships, it may not be the most suitable option for couples teetering on the edge of separation. Instead, discernment counseling offers a targeted and compassionate approach tailored to couples facing the daunting decision of whether to stay together or part ways.
Understanding Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling is a relatively new form of therapy designed explicitly for couples considering divorce but unsure whether to end the relationship. It is a short-term process, typically lasting between one and five sessions, aimed at helping partners gain clarity and confidence about the future of their marriage. The primary goal is not to fix the relationship but to assist couples in making a well-informed decision regarding their next steps.
The Distinction Between Discernment and Marriage Counseling
Objective Clarity vs. Problem-Solving:
Marriage Counseling: Traditional marriage counseling focuses on identifying and solving relational problems. Therapists work with couples over an extended period to enhance communication, rebuild trust, and foster a deeper connection.
Discernment Counseling: In contrast, discernment counseling acknowledges that one or both partners might be ambivalent about continuing the marriage. The focus is on understanding each partner's perspective and the underlying reasons for considering divorce, rather than diving straight into problem-solving.
Therapeutic Goals:
Marriage Counseling: The primary goal is to repair and strengthen the relationship, assuming that both partners are committed to working on the marriage.
Discernment Counseling: The goal is to help couples decide whether to work on the marriage or to proceed with a divorce. It respects the ambivalence that one or both partners may feel and provides a structured environment to explore their feelings and options.
Time Frame and Approach:
Marriage Counseling: It typically involves long-term engagement, with sessions spanning several months or even years, aiming for gradual and sustained change.
Discernment Counseling: This is a short-term intervention, usually limited to a maximum of five sessions. It is designed to be brief and intensive, focusing on immediate clarity rather than long-term change.
Why Discernment Counseling is More Appropriate
Addressing Ambivalence: Couples on the brink of divorce often experience significant ambivalence. Discernment counseling is uniquely equipped to handle this uncertainty. It provides a safe space for each partner to express their doubts, fears, and hopes without the pressure of immediate resolution. By validating these mixed emotions, discernment counseling allows couples to explore their true feelings and make a decision that reflects their genuine desires.
Structured Decision-Making: The structured nature of discernment counseling guides couples through a deliberate decision-making process. Therapists use specific techniques to help partners reflect on their contributions to the marital problems and consider the potential for change. This structured approach contrasts with the more open-ended nature of marriage counseling, which can sometimes feel overwhelming for couples already in crisis.
Tailored for Crisis Situations: Discernment counseling is explicitly designed for couples in crisis, whereas marriage counseling often assumes a baseline level of commitment to working on the relationship. For couples on the verge of divorce, discernment counseling offers a more appropriate and less daunting entry point. It meets them where they are, providing immediate support and direction during a highly stressful period.
Respecting Different Levels of Commitment: In many cases, one partner may be more inclined to save the marriage while the other is leaning towards divorce. Discernment counseling respects these differing levels of commitment and works to bridge the gap. By addressing each partner's concerns individually and collectively, it helps couples understand each other’s viewpoints, fostering empathy and mutual respect even if they decide to part ways.
Preparing for Future Steps: Whether couples choose to stay together or separate, discernment counseling prepares them for the next steps. If they opt to work on the marriage, they can transition into traditional marriage counseling with a clearer understanding of their issues and a renewed commitment. If they decide to divorce, discernment counseling helps them to do so with greater clarity and less acrimony, potentially easing the emotional and logistical challenges of the process.
For couples standing at the crossroads of their relationship, discernment counseling offers a compassionate and pragmatic approach that traditional marriage counseling might not provide. By focusing on clarity, respect for ambivalence, and structured decision-making, discernment counseling is uniquely suited to help couples navigate the tumultuous waters of potential divorce. It ensures that whatever path they choose, it is made with thoughtful consideration and mutual understanding, ultimately leading to healthier outcomes for both partners.