Triangulation in relationships is a dysfunctional communication pattern that can be incredibly damaging. It occurs when a third party is brought into a relationship dynamic, either intentionally or unintentionally, to create tension or manipulate the situation. This can take many forms, from gossiping about one partner to their family members, to relying on a third party to provide emotional support that should be coming from the relationship itself. Whatever the specifics of the situation, triangulation often creates mistrust, resentment, and hurt feelings in all parties involved.
So why is triangulation so damaging? At its core, triangulation is a form of manipulation that undermines the trust and intimacy that are crucial to healthy relationships. By bringing a third party into the equation, one partner is essentially creating a power dynamic in which they have an ally or confidante who can help them manipulate the other partner. This can create feelings of insecurity and betrayal for the partner who is not involved in the triangulation, and can make it difficult for them to trust their partner moving forward.
Additionally, triangulation can damage the relationship between the two people who are actually in the relationship. When one partner is relying on a third party for emotional support or validation, they are essentially creating a situation in which they are no longer fully invested in the relationship itself. This can create feelings of resentment and abandonment in the other partner, and can ultimately lead to a breakdown in the relationship.
There are many different examples of triangulation in relationships, and it can take many different forms depending on the specifics of the situation. Here are a few common examples:
Talking behind your partner's back: One of the most common forms of triangulation is talking behind your partner's back to friends, family members, or coworkers. This can involve complaining about your partner, airing dirty laundry, or seeking validation for your feelings from someone outside of the relationship. While it may feel cathartic in the moment, this behavior can erode trust and create a toxic dynamic.
Turning to an ex for emotional support: Another common form of triangulation is turning to an ex for emotional support, either because you're not getting what you need from your current partner or because you're looking to make them jealous. While this may provide temporary relief, it can ultimately damage both the current relationship and the relationship with the ex.
Involving children in relationship conflicts: When parents involve their children in relationship conflicts, they are essentially using them as a third party to create tension and manipulate the situation. This can be incredibly damaging to the children, who may feel torn between their parents or burdened with adult problems they are not equipped to handle.
Seeking validation from friends instead of your partner: When one partner seeks validation or emotional support from friends instead of their partner, they are essentially creating a situation in which they are no longer fully invested in the relationship. This can create feelings of insecurity and resentment in the other partner, and can ultimately lead to a breakdown in the relationship.
Relying on a therapist or counselor to mediate conflicts: While therapy can be incredibly helpful for couples who are struggling to communicate, it can also become a form of triangulation if one partner relies on the therapist to mediate conflicts instead of working through them directly with their partner. This can create a power dynamic in which the therapist becomes a third party in the relationship, and can ultimately undermine the trust and intimacy that are crucial to healthy relationships.
Triangulation is a dysfunctional communication pattern that can be incredibly damaging to relationships. Whether it involves talking behind your partner's back, seeking validation from friends instead of your partner, or relying on a third party to provide emotional support that should be coming from the relationship itself, triangulation creates a power dynamic that can undermine trust, intimacy, and ultimately lead to the breakdown of relationships.