Marriage counseling or couples therapy is intended to be a safe space where couples can work through their issues with the guidance of a trained professional. However, not all therapeutic approaches are beneficial, and in some cases, the methods employed by therapists can inadvertently cause more harm than good. Here are four specific ways therapists might damage your marriage.
1. Focusing on One Partner's Problems
A common pitfall in marriage counseling or couples therapy is when the therapist focuses disproportionately on one partner's problems. This approach can create a dynamic where one partner feels blamed and the other feels vindicated. For instance, if the therapist constantly highlights the husband's anger issues without addressing the wife's communication style, it can lead to an imbalance. The husband might feel unfairly targeted, while the wife might feel validated in her complaints, but no real progress is made in understanding how both partners contribute to the dynamic.
When therapy sessions turn into one-sided interventions, it undermines the notion of partnership. Effective marriage therapy should balance the needs and issues of both partners, fostering a sense of mutual responsibility and empathy. By only focusing on one partner's flaws, the therapist inadvertently creates a scapegoat, which can deepen resentments and further entrench problems rather than resolve them.
2. Taking a Neutral Stance on Marriage and Divorce
Another problematic approach is when therapists adopt a neutral stance on the marriage itself, using a cost-benefit analysis to guide couples. Questions like "What do you need for you?" shift the focus from the relationship to the individual, which can be counterproductive in marriage counseling. While self-awareness and individual needs are important, marriage therapy should aim to strengthen the relationship, not assess its viability based on individual preferences alone.
This neutral stance can lead couples to consider divorce more readily, as they may start to weigh their personal happiness against the effort required to improve the marriage. Instead of facilitating a deeper understanding and connection, the therapist's neutrality might be interpreted as an endorsement of separation if staying married seems too challenging. Effective therapy should support couples in exploring ways to improve their relationship and overcome difficulties, rather than inadvertently steering them towards dissolution.
3. Seeing Only Pathology
Pathologizing one partner based on the other's complaints is another harmful practice. In individual therapy sessions, if a person frequently criticizes their spouse and the therapist responds by diagnosing the spouse with various psychological issues, it can be incredibly damaging. This scenario often happens when therapists uncritically accept one partner’s perspective without sufficient input from the other.
Such an approach can reinforce negative views and justify resentment, creating a narrative where one partner is seen as the "problem" that needs fixing. This dynamic can lead to a breakdown in communication and mutual respect. Instead, therapists should encourage both partners to express their feelings and perspectives, fostering a more balanced and comprehensive understanding of their interactions and issues.
4. Overt Undermining
Perhaps the most directly harmful approach is when therapists ask leading questions that undermine the marriage, such as "If you are not happy, why do you stay?" or "For your own health, you need to move out." These types of questions suggest that the solution to marital unhappiness is separation, without exploring the underlying issues or potential for reconciliation.
Such statements can sow seeds of doubt and encourage impulsive decisions about the relationship. A good therapist should help couples explore why they are unhappy and what changes can be made to improve the marriage, rather than immediately considering exit strategies. By doing so, therapists can help couples find healthier, more constructive ways to address their problems.
While the intention behind therapy or counseling is to heal and improve, certain approaches can inadvertently damage a marriage. Therapists must be mindful of how they frame issues and guide discussions. Focusing too much on one partner's problems, taking a neutral stance on marriage and divorce, pathologizing based on one-sided complaints, and overtly undermining the marriage are all practices that can harm rather than help.
Marriage counseling or couples therapy should be a collaborative process that fosters understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. Therapists need to strike a balance between addressing individual needs and nurturing the relationship as a whole. By doing so, they can help couples navigate their challenges and work towards a stronger, more resilient partnership.