“Sharing true feelings, while essential in certain circumstances, is highly overrated as a principle to live by.”- Harriet Lerner
In today's world, the idea of unbridled self-expression is often celebrated. We are encouraged to "speak our truth" and to be unapologetically ourselves. While this notion can be empowering, it also has a darker side, especially when applied within the context of intimate relationships. Renowned therapist Terry Real has extensively discussed how unrestrained self-expression can be detrimental to the health and longevity of our relationships. His insights offer a sobering reminder that sometimes, restraint and consideration for our partners are equally important.
The Modern Obsession with Self-Expression
The cultural shift towards valuing unfiltered self-expression has its roots in the larger movement towards individualism. In many ways, this shift has been positive. It has allowed people to break free from oppressive norms and to live more authentic lives. However, when taken to the extreme, it can lead to a disregard for the feelings and needs of others. Terry Real argues that while self-expression is important, it should not come at the expense of relational harmony.
The Myth of Authenticity
One of the key issues Real identifies is the myth of authenticity. In modern discourse, being "authentic" is often equated with being brutally honest, no matter the consequences. This can manifest in behaviors such as expressing anger without filtering, sharing every negative thought that comes to mind, or prioritizing one's own needs and desires above those of the relationship. Real points out that this form of authenticity is actually a form of selfishness. True authenticity, he suggests, involves a balance between being true to oneself and being considerate of others.
The Impact on Intimacy
Unbridled self-expression can erode intimacy in relationships. Intimacy is built on trust and mutual respect, which are compromised when one partner consistently prioritizes their own expression over the well-being of the other. For example, constant criticism or unchecked anger can create a hostile environment, making it difficult for intimacy to flourish. Real notes that when partners feel attacked or unappreciated, they are less likely to be vulnerable and open, which are crucial components of a healthy relationship.
The Role of Boundaries
Terry Real emphasizes the importance of boundaries in relationships. Boundaries are not just about keeping others at a distance; they are about creating a safe space where both partners can thrive. This involves recognizing the impact of one's words and actions on the other person and being willing to exercise self-restraint. Real suggests that setting healthy boundaries involves clear communication and mutual respect. It means being able to express oneself in a way that is honest but also kind and considerate.
Learning to Self-Moderate
One of the central themes in Real's work is the concept of self-moderation. This does not mean suppressing one's feelings or opinions, but rather expressing them in a way that is constructive. Real advises couples to practice what he calls "relational mindfulness." This involves being aware of one's emotions and the potential impact they may have on the relationship before expressing them. It is about finding the right moment and the right way to communicate, so that the message is received without causing unnecessary harm.
The Importance of Repair
No relationship is perfect, and conflicts are inevitable. What matters, Real argues, is how couples handle these conflicts. In the heat of the moment, it can be easy to say things that are hurtful or to act in ways that are damaging. Real emphasizes the importance of repair – the process of acknowledging harm, taking responsibility, and making amends. This involves sincere apologies and a commitment to change. Repair is not just about saying "I'm sorry," but about demonstrating through actions that one is committed to the health of the relationship.
Balancing Self-Expression and Relational Harmony
Ultimately, Terry Real's insights highlight the need for balance. While self-expression is important, it should not come at the cost of relational harmony. This balance involves being able to express one's needs and desires while also being attuned to the needs and desires of one's partner. It means practicing empathy and understanding, and being willing to make compromises when necessary.
In conclusion, unbridled self-expression, as discussed by Terry Real, can be harmful to relationships. While it is important to be true to oneself, it is equally important to be mindful of how one's words and actions affect others. By practicing self-moderation, setting healthy boundaries, and prioritizing repair, couples can create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship. Real's insights remind us that true authenticity involves a balance between self-expression and consideration for others, and that this balance is key to sustaining healthy, loving relationships.