Marriage is often considered one of life's greatest commitments, but not all unions are smooth sailing. When a couple encounters issues that threaten the stability of their relationship, discernment counseling can be a valuable tool to help them decide the best path forward. In particular, for mixed-agenda couples, who find themselves on opposite sides when it comes to the future of their marriage, discernment counseling offers a unique and essential perspective that can help guide their decisions. This blog will explore the concept of discernment counseling and why it is important for mixed-agenda couples compared to traditional marriage counseling.
Discernment counseling, a term coined by Dr. William Doherty, is a short-term, solution-focused form of counseling aimed at helping couples facing uncertainty about the future of their relationship. Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which assumes both partners are committed to working through their issues, discernment counseling acknowledges that couples may not be on the same page. It's a collaborative process that facilitates understanding and helps individuals make informed decisions about their relationship.
The Mixed-Agenda Couple Dilemma
Mixed-agenda couples represent a unique challenge in the world of relationship counseling. In such cases, one partner may be leaning towards divorce or separation, while the other remains committed to the relationship and wishes to work things out. This stark disparity in their motivations can lead to significant friction, misunderstandings, and feelings of hopelessness.
Why Discernment Counseling?
1. Validation of Feelings
Discernment counseling provides a safe space for both partners to express their thoughts and emotions openly. In the case of mixed-agenda couples, this is invaluable. The partner seeking a divorce can feel heard and validated, while the other can better understand the reasons behind their spouse's desire to separate. This mutual acknowledgment can be a crucial step toward resolving the deadlock and either working on the marriage or making an amicable decision to part ways.
2. No Assumption of Commitment
One of the key distinctions between discernment counseling and traditional marriage counseling is that it doesn't presuppose commitment from both partners. Traditional marriage counseling operates under the assumption that both parties are equally willing to work on the relationship. In mixed-agenda couples, this isn't the case, which makes discernment counseling a more fitting approach. It respects the autonomy and differing viewpoints of each partner.
3. Time-Limited and Goal-Oriented
Discernment counseling is typically short-term and goal-oriented. This approach is ideal for mixed-agenda couples, as it provides a structured platform to explore the options available. The limited timeframe ensures that both partners remain engaged and focused on their objectives without the fear of commitment to long-term therapy, which can be daunting for those leaning towards separation.
4. Clarity in Decision-Making
Mixed-agenda couples are often plagued by indecision, which can be emotionally draining. Discernment counseling aims to alleviate this distress by helping each partner gain clarity about their own feelings and what they want from the relationship. Whether it's saving the marriage or parting ways, discernment counseling can assist in making a well-informed decision.
5. Reduction of Blame and Hostility
In mixed-agenda couples, blame and hostility can become rampant, further deteriorating the relationship. Discernment counseling offers a neutral setting where both partners can explore their feelings and understand the factors contributing to their situation. By reducing the blame game, it paves the way for more constructive conversations and decisions.
6. Preservation of Family Interests
For couples with children, discernment counseling offers a unique advantage. It allows parents to assess the impact of their choices on their children and consider how to minimize disruption to their lives. While this may not always lead to the decision to stay together, it can foster a cooperative co-parenting approach that is beneficial for the children.
In the complex realm of mixed-agenda couples, discernment counseling plays a crucial role. By recognizing the differing desires of each partner and providing a structured and time-limited framework, discernment counseling allows couples to explore their options and make informed decisions about their future. Whether that decision is to work on the marriage or part ways amicably, discernment counseling offers a path to resolution and a reduction in emotional turmoil.
It's essential to remember that discernment counseling is not a one-size-fits-all solution and may not work for every couple. However, for those facing the unique challenges of mixed-agenda relationships, it can be a beacon of hope, guiding them through the difficult process of determining the fate of their partnership. In the end, the goal of discernment counseling is to provide clarity, understanding, and a foundation for productive decision-making, ultimately empowering mixed-agenda couples to find a way forward, whether together or separately.