The Center's Blog
Dr. John Gottman is the leading researcher on marriage and relationships. He has become so in tuned with what patterns disintegrate relationships in his forty years of research that he can predict divorce in couples with 94% accuracy within 15 minutes of viewing their interactions. Time and time again, his research has shown that men's emotional intelligence (being aware of social nuisances and able to display deep sensitivity) can make or break a relationship.
Relationships are complex, dynamic, and deeply rooted in emotional connections. Many couples wonder if their relationship will stand the test of time. Fortunately, John and Julie Gottman, renowned psychologists and relationship experts, have conducted extensive research offering profound insights into what makes relationships last. Their work, spanning over four decades, provides valuable tools and indicators to help couples understand the health of their relationship.
The Gottmans identified four negative behaviors, dubbed the “Four Horsemen,” which predict the demise of a relationship. These behaviors are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Criticism: This goes beyond voicing a complaint and attacks the partner's character. For instance, saying "You always leave your mess for me to clean up" attacks the person rather than addressing the behavior.
Contempt: Contempt is the most destructive of the Four Horsemen. It involves mocking, sarcasm, and disrespect, conveying a sense of superiority. Examples include name-calling or sneering at your partner.
Defensiveness: When feeling accused unjustly, people often respond with defensiveness. However, this reaction usually escalates conflicts rather than resolving them, as it can involve counter-attacks or whining, thereby dismissing the partner’s concerns.
Stonewalling: This occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and becoming non-responsive. It’s often a response to feeling overwhelmed by the conflict, but it can exacerbate feelings of isolation and disconnection in the relationship.
Understanding and mitigating these behaviors is crucial. The Gottmans suggest replacing criticism with a gentle start-up, building a culture of appreciation to combat contempt, taking responsibility to avoid defensiveness, and practicing self-soothing to prevent stonewalling.
The Gottmans developed the Sound Relationship House theory, which outlines the elements needed to build a strong and lasting relationship. Here are the key components:
Build Love Maps: Love Maps are the part of your brain where you store all relevant information about your partner's life. The Gottmans emphasize the importance of knowing your partner’s inner world—dreams, fears, and experiences.
Share Fondness and Admiration: Expressing appreciation and respect for your partner is vital. Regularly acknowledging and appreciating each other’s positive qualities strengthens the emotional bond.
Turn Towards Instead of Away: Daily interactions and bids for connection, such as a smile or a request for attention, are crucial. Turning towards these bids fosters connection, while ignoring them can lead to emotional distance.
The Positive Perspective: Maintaining a positive perspective involves seeing your partner in a positive light, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and focusing on the good aspects of the relationship.
Manage Conflict: Conflict is inevitable, but it can be managed. The Gottmans recommend a gentle start-up for discussions, accepting influence from your partner, and using repair attempts to de-escalate conflicts.
Make Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other’s dreams and aspirations is essential. This involves open communication about each person’s goals and working together to achieve them.
Create Shared Meaning: Building a life together involves creating shared rituals, values, and symbols that hold meaning for both partners.
One of the most famous findings from the Gottmans’ research is the “magic ratio.” For a relationship to thrive, positive interactions must outnumber negative ones by at least five to one. This ratio ensures that even when conflicts arise, the overall atmosphere remains positive and supportive. Negative interactions are inevitable, but ensuring they are balanced with frequent positive interactions can safeguard the relationship.
Emotional intelligence plays a critical role in relationship success. The Gottmans emphasize the importance of understanding and managing one's own emotions, as well as being attuned to the emotions of one’s partner. This involves empathy, effective communication, and the ability to navigate and resolve conflicts constructively.
John and Julie Gottman’s research provides a roadmap for couples striving to build lasting relationships. By understanding and addressing the Four Horsemen, nurturing the components of the Sound Relationship House, maintaining the magic ratio, and cultivating emotional intelligence, couples can enhance their bond and increase the likelihood of a lasting relationship.
Relationships require effort, but with the right tools and insights, love can endure. The Gottmans’ work offers hope and practical strategies for couples committed to making their relationship last. By prioritizing connection, appreciation, and mutual support, couples can build a resilient partnership capable of weathering life’s inevitable challenges.
