When people enter the legal divorce process, there is a widespread assumption that the decision to divorce has been made, and any lingering doubts have been resolved. This belief is held by not only individuals but also by legal and psychological professionals, such as therapists and lawyers. They often presume that the couple has come to terms with the dissolution of their marriage and that their role is to guide the couple through a constructive and relatively smooth process of separation. However, recent research reveals that this assumption is far from accurate. In fact, a significant number of people going through a divorce are unsure if they truly want their marriage to end.
Divorce Ambivalence: The First Empirical Evidence
The first comprehensive study examining attitudes toward reconciliation during the divorce process was conducted by researchers Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby in 2011. Their study surveyed 2,484 divorcing parents, asking them about their thoughts on reconciliation and whether they believed their marriage could still be saved. Surprisingly, about 25% of the individuals surveyed expressed that they believed there was still hope for their marriage, and 30% indicated an interest in reconciliation services. This research shattered the commonly held belief that filing for divorce means accepting the inevitability of marital dissolution.
Consistent Findings: Reaffirming the Uncertainty
A follow-up study conducted by Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty in 2012 replicated the findings of the original research. Once again, the results indicated that about 26% of the participants believed that their marriage could still be saved, and 33% expressed interest in services designed to help reconcile their differences. These results are notable because they challenge the stereotype that divorce is a decision that couples make once and then proceed through the legal steps without reconsideration.
This pattern of ambivalence is not limited to a small fraction of divorcing individuals. In a subsequent study (Doherty, Harris, & Wilde, in press), researchers surveyed 624 individual parents who were already in the divorce process. They found that just two-thirds of participants were completely certain they wanted to divorce. The remaining third were either ambivalent or did not want the divorce at all. Among those who were unsure, there was significant interest in resources and help to potentially save their marriage.
Initial Consultations: Ambivalence Starts Early
Interestingly, the uncertainty surrounding divorce is not limited to individuals who are well into the process. Unpublished data from legal consultations reveals that around 50% of people who meet with divorce attorneys are either ambivalent or do not want the divorce. Only half of these initial clients are certain that they want to proceed with ending their marriage. This data suggests that the seeds of doubt are planted early, even before the legal process begins.
Post-Divorce Regrets: Wishing They Had Tried Harder
Ambivalence about divorce is not confined to the decision-making phase. Research shows that even after the divorce is finalized, many individuals experience regret and wish they had tried harder to save their marriage. According to a summary by Hawkins and Fackrell (2009), surveys of divorced individuals revealed that about half of them wished they had made more effort to work through their marital differences. These findings suggest that divorce, while often perceived as a final and irreversible decision, leaves many with unresolved emotions and lingering doubts.
Furthermore, in a study conducted by Hetherington and Kelley (2002), it was reported that in 75% of divorced couples, at least one partner had regrets about the decision to divorce within a year after the breakup. These regrets indicate that many people may not fully grasp the long-term emotional impact of divorce when they initially decide to separate.
Reconsideration During Separation: A Second Chance for Reconciliation?
In another qualitative study by Knox and Corte (2007), researchers explored the experiences of individuals who were separated but not yet legally divorced. The findings were striking—many separated spouses reevaluated their decision to initiate the divorce. The researchers noted that many of these individuals, upon reflecting on their situation, would advise others to reconsider the decision to separate or divorce. Specifically, the study highlighted a recurring theme where individuals in the separation process began to rethink their choice and were open to reconciliation.
The study stated, "Clearly, one effect of involvement in the process of separation was a re-evaluation of the desirability of initiating a separation to the degree that they would alert others contemplating separation/divorce to rethink their situation and to attempt reconciliation" (p. 79). This finding suggests that separation, rather than solidifying the decision to divorce, may instead provide couples with an opportunity to reflect and potentially reconcile.
The Prevalence of Divorce Ambivalence: A Common Experience
In light of these studies, it is clear that divorce ambivalence is far more common than most people realize. Contrary to the belief that filing for divorce is a definitive step toward ending a marriage, many people who initiate the process remain uncertain or regretful about their decision. Ambivalence is not just a fleeting feeling but a pervasive experience that often extends throughout the divorce process, from initial consultations with lawyers to post-divorce reflections.
The legal filing of divorce papers may signal the beginning of the end of a marriage in a procedural sense, but emotionally and psychologically, many individuals remain in flux, reconsidering their decision to part ways. The growing body of research on this topic reveals that for many, the desire to reconcile remains, even as they navigate the complex and often painful process of divorce.
Conclusion: Divorce is Not Always Final
In summary, the assumption that entering the legal divorce process signifies the end of any desire to save the marriage is unfounded. Research consistently shows that a substantial percentage of divorcing individuals are ambivalent about their decision, with many expressing interest in reconciliation services. This ambivalence persists even after the divorce process is well underway, and for some, even after the divorce is finalized. These findings highlight the importance of addressing this uncertainty, both legally and therapeutically, and offering individuals the support they need to make the best decisions for themselves and their families.