Introduction
Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship. Whether it's responding to a private message from your high school sweetheart, forgetting an important event, sharing something confidential with a friend, or going somewhere you said you wouldn't go, all of these actions can erode trust. Lying, cheating, and keeping secrets further damage this vital component of a relationship. Trust, once lost, is challenging to rebuild, but it is possible. This blog will explore the importance of trust in relationships and how Dr. Brene Brown's BRAVING framework can help couples build and maintain it.
The Importance of Trust
The second phase of a relationship revolves around the question, "Will you be there for me?” This question is all about trust. Can I trust you to be there for me when I am not there for myself? Can I trust you to not judge me when I share my deepest fears? Can I trust you to support me if I lose my job or if I gain weight? Only when this question is answered with a resounding "Yes" can couples move into the third phase of a relationship: full commitment.
Understanding Trust Through Research
Dr. Brene Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, has extensively studied the role of shame and trust in our lives. In her presentation, "The Anatomy of Trust," she delves into the complexities of trust. This presentation has proven incredibly helpful for couples to understand how to build trust and what erodes it. Dr. Brown shares research and a personal story from Dr. John Gottman, whose research shows that trust is built in small moments over time. These small moments provide opportunities to either build trust or betray your partner. When the opportunity to connect with your partner arises, not acting on it becomes a betrayal. These small moments matter significantly in relationships.
BRAVING: A Framework for Building Trust
Dr. Brown uses the acronym BRAVING to outline the key components of trust. Applying this framework to couple relationships can provide valuable insights and practical steps to build trust.
B - Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in any relationship. Trust is built when both partners are clear about their boundaries and respect each other's limits. For example, if one partner is too tired for sex, will the other respect this boundary, or will they continue to pester until they give in? Respecting boundaries is a fundamental aspect of building trust.
R - Reliability
Reliability means doing what you say you will do consistently. Trust is built when your actions match your words. In a relationship, this might look like being home at the time you promised. Consistency in actions demonstrates reliability and builds trust.
A - Accountability
Accountability involves owning your mistakes, apologizing for them, and making amends. In relationships, it is crucial to understand why your actions hurt your partner and strive not to repeat the same mistakes. Accountability shows that you are willing to take responsibility for your actions and work towards repairing trust.
V - Vault
Trust involves keeping what your partner shares with you in confidence. In relationships, acknowledging confidentiality is vital. Do you speak negatively about your partner to others? Do you share secrets your partner would not want others to know? Keeping confidences builds trust.
I - Integrity
Integrity means choosing courage over comfort, what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy, and practicing your values rather than just professing them. Are you willing to do what is best for your relationship, even if it may not be best for you personally? Integrity is about making tough choices that prioritize the relationship.
N - Non-judgment
Non-judgment means not placing judgment on your partner when they make mistakes. Will you sit with them in their difficult moments, or will you criticize them for their actions? Providing a non-judgmental space builds trust and strengthens the relationship.
G - Generosity
Generosity involves assuming the most generous interpretation of your partner's words, intentions, and behaviors. Do you give them the benefit of the doubt and believe they are doing their best, or do you assume the worst? Generosity fosters trust by promoting a positive and supportive outlook.
Conclusion
Dr. Brown’s acronym BRAVING provides a practical framework for building trust in relationships. Trust is essential for navigating the messy and tough times in relationships. When trust is lost, it can feel like an uphill battle to regain it. However, consistently creating and responding to small moments with your partner can rebuild trust over time.
If you are interested in rebuilding trust in your relationship, please call 701-478-4144. I’d love to help!