You responded to a private Facebook message from your high school sweetheart. You forgot to go to the event. You shared something you shouldn’t have with a friend. You went somewhere you said you wouldn’t go. You kept secrets. You lied. You cheated.
You lost trust.
Trust. We know from research that the second phase in a relationship is all about the question, "Will you be there for me?” This question is about trust. Can I trust you? Can I trust you to be there for me when I am not there for myself? Can I trust you to not judge me when I share with you what I fear most? Can I trust you to pick up the slack if I am fired from a job? Can I trust you to stay with me if I gain 30 pounds?
It is only when that question of “Will you be there for me” is tested and answered by a “Yes” that couples move into the third phase of a relationship... full commitment.
Dr. Brene Brown is a researcher at the University of Houston who has studied the role that shame plays in our lives. In her presentation entitled “The Anatomy of Trust” she discusses the intricacies of trust. I found this presentation incredibly helpful in getting couples to understand how they can build trust and how to understand what erodes trust in relationships. She also shares research and a personal story from Dr. John Gottman that I also have passed on to my clients. Dr. Gottman's research shows how trust is built in small moments over time in relationships. These small moments give us opportunities to build trust or betray your partner. When there is an opportunity to connect with your partner and you don’t act on it, it becomes a betrayal.
These small moments happen quickly and often in relationships, and they will determine if your partner feels you are there for them or if you are pushing them away. These small moments matter.
I wanted to take the acronym that Dr. Brown uses in her presentation and apply it specifically to couple relationships. The acronym she uses is BRAVING.
BRAVING
B - Boundaries- I trust that if we are each clear about our boundaries, the other will respect them. An example of this in a relationship would look like: If I tell you I’m too tired to have sex tonight, will you let me rest or will you continue to pester me until I give in? Will you respect my boundary?
R - Reliability- I can only trust you if you say what you are going to do and then you do what you said. Doing what you say, consistently, shows you are reliable and that builds up trust. In a relationship this may look like: If you said you were going to be home at 10:00, will you be home at 10:00?
A - Accountability- When you make a mistake I can only trust you if you own it, apologize for it, and make amends. When I make a mistake, I have to own it, apologize for it, and make amends. In relationships, we want to know that when our partners mess up, they will try to understand WHY what they did hurt us and that they will do their best to not repeat the same pattern.
V - Vault- What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. In our relationships, I see that you acknowledge our confidentiality. Something to ask yourself - Do you speak negatively about your partner to your family, friends, and/or co-workers? Do you share secrets or private information your partner would not want others to know?
I - Integrity- Choosing courage over comfort, Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast, or easy. Practicing your values, not just professing your values. Are you willing to do what is best for your marriage although it may not be best for you personally?
N - Non-judgement- Not placing judgment on me when I mess up. When I mess up are you going to tell me what shouldn’t have done what I did or will you sit with me in the yuck?
G - Generosity- Do you assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions, and behaviors. Do you expect that when I make mistakes it is because I am not good enough at things or do you give me the benefit of the doubt and know that I am doing my best?
I love Dr. Brown’s acronym BRAVING for how to build trust in relationships. It certainly takes brave souls to hang in there when relationships get messy and tough. When trust is lost in relationships it often feels like an uphill battle. The good news is, once you’ve been consistent at creating and responding to these small moments with your partner, things can and will get better.
If you are interested in re-building trust in your relationship, please call 701-478-4144. I’d love to help!