When your relationship is in crisis, seeking help can feel overwhelming. You are likely feeling hurt, vulnerable, and unsure of where to turn. Trusting a stranger with one of the most precious relationships in your life is no easy task. Whether your marriage is on the brink of divorce or facing a particularly difficult season, reaching out for professional support can be daunting.

Many of my clients have never been in counseling or therapy before, and through my conversations with them, I have identified common patterns in their search for the right couples or marriage counselor. I want to share my insights to help you navigate this process with greater clarity and confidence.

It’s important to remember that not all counselors are the right fit for every couple. Finding someone who aligns with your needs, values, and goals is crucial. Simply booking the first available appointment is not the best strategy for receiving the most effective help. In this first part of a series, I’ll focus on key qualifications to consider when searching for a marriage or couples counselor.

Qualifications Matter: What to Look for in a Counselor

Educational and Training Background

One of the first and most important questions to ask is about the counselor’s educational background and training. If a counselor is primarily self-taught or has only attended workshops without formal education in couples therapy, they may not be the best choice. Counselors without proper training often impose personal values and beliefs on your relationship rather than relying on evidence-based practices. This can lead to biased and potentially harmful counseling.

For example, a counselor with a background in general mental health counseling may have completed their degree without ever taking a course in couples therapy or working with a couple before. On the other hand, a counselor trained in an accredited Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) program has been required to work with individuals, couples, and families extensively before graduating.

While some generalist counselors pursue additional training to specialize in couples therapy, not all do. Currently, two evidence-based approaches stand out as the gold standard in couples therapy:

The Gottman Method of Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

If a counselor has completed training in these methods or holds certification in either, they are well-equipped to work with couples effectively. However, attending a single workshop on these methods does not mean the counselor truly practices them. Be sure to ask specific questions about their training and experience.

Handling Infidelity and Other Crisis Issues

A significant concern I hear from couples, especially when infidelity has occurred, is whether a counselor will pressure them into divorce before even meeting with them. This should never happen. A qualified and experienced couples counselor will approach your situation without bias and help you explore the best path forward for your relationship.

The Importance of Trust in the Counseling Relationship

Do You Feel Comfortable with This Person?

Beyond qualifications, one of the most critical factors in successful therapy is your ability to trust and feel comfortable with your counselor. Consider the following questions:

Do you feel at ease when speaking with them?
Do you believe they genuinely understand and care about your relationship?
Do they provide insights and tools that resonate with you?
Do you feel judged or unsupported by them?
Do they seem to take sides rather than fostering healthy communication between you and your partner?

Your connection with your counselor can significantly impact the effectiveness of therapy. If you feel hesitant or uncomfortable, it may be worth continuing your search until you find the right fit.

Seek Trusted Recommendations

While online reviews can be helpful, they should not be your sole source of information. Many skilled therapists receive negative Google reviews from individuals who may not be in the healthiest mindset to provide constructive feedback. Instead, consider getting referrals from trusted sources such as:

Your primary care doctor
A trusted friend or family member
Another professional in the mental health field

Referrals from people you trust can often lead you to counselors with strong reputations for effective and compassionate care.

Looking Ahead: Aligning Therapy with Your Values and Goals

In the next installment of this series, I’ll discuss how to evaluate a therapist’s methodology and why it’s crucial to choose someone whose approach aligns with your personal values and relationship goals. Finding the right marriage or couples counselor is a deeply personal process, and taking the time to make an informed decision can greatly impact your healing and growth as a couple.