You May Both Be Coming to Couples Therapy, but You May Not Be There for the Same Reason
When a couple schedules therapy, it is easy to assume they share the same goal. They made the appointment. They arrived together. They are both sitting in the room. But that does not necessarily mean they are both there to work on the relationship. One spouse may be saying, “We have problems, but I want to fix this.” The other may be thinking, “I don’t know whether I want to stay.”
That difference matters. It may determine whether traditional couples therapy or discernment counseling is the right place to begin.
New Research on Mixed-Agenda Couples
A 2026 study published in the Journal of Marital & Family Therapy examined what therapists call “mixed-agenda couples.” These are couples in which the partners have substantially different levels of commitment, hope, or interest in preserving the relationship.
Researchers analyzed two large datasets. They found patterns consistent with mixed agendas in approximately 10% of couples from a general population sample and just over 40% of couples in a clinical sample.
That clinical finding is striking. It suggests that a considerable percentage of couples entering therapy may not have agreed on what they are trying to accomplish.
The study is especially noteworthy because one of its authors, Dr. Steven Harris, developed discernment counseling with Dr. William Doherty. Harris and Doherty are leading figures in the research and clinical work surrounding couples on the brink of divorce. This new study builds upon their earlier work by examining how frequently mixed-agenda dynamics may appear in couples seeking therapy.
There is an important limitation to understand. The researchers used existing datasets that did not directly ask whether each partner was leaning into or out of the relationship. Instead, they identified mixed-agenda patterns through differences or uncertainty in four areas:
Commitment to the relationship
A sense of “we-ness,” or functioning as a team
Hope that the relationship can improve
Feeling pressured to attend therapy
For that reason, the 40% finding should not be treated as a definitive prevalence rate. But it provides compelling evidence for something discernment counselors and experienced couples therapists regularly encounter: two people can enter the same therapy office with very different intentions.
When One Spouse Wants to Repair the Marriage and the Other Is Unsure
The difference may not be obvious at first.
The spouse who wants to preserve the relationship may be eager to begin. They read books, listen to podcasts, complete every exercise, and arrive with a list of things they are ready to change.
The other spouse may attend because they feel guilty, pressured, or afraid of what will happen if they refuse. They may care about their spouse and still have serious doubts about continuing the relationship.
The leaning-in spouse often interprets attendance as a commitment to fixing the marriage. The leaning-out spouse may view attendance as one final attempt to determine whether the relationship is already over.
Both spouses may be sincere. They are simply answering different questions.
One is asking:
How can we repair this relationship?
The other is asking:
Do I want to remain in this relationship at all?
Traditional couples therapy is designed to address the first question. It assumes both partners have made at least a temporary commitment to work toward improving the relationship.
When that shared commitment is missing, therapy can quickly become frustrating.
Signs You May Be a Mixed-Agenda Couple
You may be a mixed-agenda couple if:
One spouse wants couples therapy while the other is participating reluctantly.
One spouse is considering separation or divorce but has not made a final decision.
One spouse is researching how to repair the relationship while the other is emotionally withdrawing.
You repeatedly argue about whether the relationship should continue rather than how to improve it.
One spouse sees therapy as an opportunity to rebuild while the other sees it as a final step before leaving.
One spouse feels pressured to “try harder” before they have decided whether they want to stay.
Previous couples therapy stalled because the two of you never established a shared goal.
Not every difference in motivation makes a couple mixed-agenda. It is normal for one person to feel more hopeful or enthusiastic about therapy. The central question is whether both partners are willing to make a sincere effort toward repairing the relationship.
Why Couples Therapy Can Stall
Imagine that a therapist gives a couple an exercise to practice between sessions.
The leaning-in spouse completes it enthusiastically. The leaning-out spouse avoids it, forgets about it, or participates halfheartedly. The leaning-in spouse feels rejected and concludes that their partner is not trying. The leaning-out spouse feels pressured and becomes even more withdrawn.
Now the original pattern between them is playing out inside the therapy itself.
The couple may cycle through several therapists or treatment models, hoping that the right technique will finally create change. Eventually, they may conclude that couples therapy does not work.
But the problem may not be the therapist, the treatment model, or the couple’s ability to change.
They may have started with the wrong kind of help.
You cannot meaningfully begin repairing a relationship when the two people have not agreed that repair is what they are there to attempt.
Couples Therapy and Discernment Counseling Have Different Purposes
Couples therapy and discernment counseling are not interchangeable.
Couples therapy
Couples therapy is appropriate when both partners are willing to work on changing the relationship. They do not have to feel equally hopeful. They do not need to know whether the relationship will ultimately survive. But both must be willing to make a sincere effort toward repair.
The central question is:
How can we create a healthier relationship together?
Discernment counseling
Discernment counseling is designed for couples in which one partner is leaning toward ending the relationship while the other wants to preserve it.
Its purpose is not to solve the couple’s relationship problems. It is also not designed to convince someone to stay married.
The central question is:
Which direction should we take with our relationship?
Discernment counseling helps each person gain greater clarity and confidence about that decision. The couple considers three possible paths:
Continue with the relationship as it has been.
Move toward separation or divorce.
Commit to an intentional period of couples therapy, with divorce temporarily off the table, to determine whether the relationship can be restored.
During discernment counseling, each spouse also examines their own contribution to the problems in the relationship. That understanding matters whether they choose to repair the relationship or end it.
What If One Spouse Has Already Decided to Divorce?
Discernment counseling is intended for uncertainty.
If one spouse is completely certain that the relationship is over and is no longer open to considering repair, there may be no decision left to discern. Discernment counseling cannot create uncertainty where none exists, and it should not be used to pressure someone into staying.
In that situation, individual support, divorce-related services, or help developing a healthier separation and coparenting relationship may be more appropriate.
If one spouse is leaning toward divorce but remains genuinely uncertain, discernment counseling may still be useful. Someone does not have to be equally interested in saving the marriage. They must simply be willing to take an honest look at the relationship and the available paths before making a final decision.
Why I Screen Couples Before Scheduling Therapy
When someone contacts me for couples therapy or discernment counseling, I ask questions about each partner’s intentions.
I may ask whether either spouse has already decided to divorce. I may ask whether both people are willing to work on the relationship. Sometimes I need information from each spouse before determining which service, if either, is appropriate.
These questions are not meant to create another obstacle for a couple already in distress. They help prevent couples from investing time, money, and emotional energy in a process that does not fit their situation.
Careful screening is part of responsible treatment.
If one spouse has firmly decided to end the relationship, discernment counseling is unlikely to be appropriate because there is no longer a decision to discern. If both spouses want to repair the relationship, couples therapy may be the right choice. If one wants to repair it and the other remains uncertain, discernment counseling may provide a more honest and productive starting point.
Being in the Same Room Is Not the Same as Sharing a Goal
This new research gives empirical support to a problem couples therapists have recognized for years.
We should not assume that two people coming to therapy together are there for the same reason.
Before couples can work together to repair a relationship, they need to know whether they are making the same decision. When they are not, the first task is not relationship repair.
It is gaining enough clarity to choose what comes next.
I provide couples therapy and discernment counseling in Fargo, North Dakota, with telehealth services available to clients located throughout North Dakota. If you are unsure which service fits your situation, the first step is determining whether both of you are prepared to work on the relationship or whether one of you is still deciding.
Research discussed: Tang, Y., Anderson, S. R., Johnson, L. N., Harris, S. M., & Kateregga, A. (2026). Portraying mixed-agenda couples: Insights from large-scale data sets. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy, 52, e70165.