The Sudden Shift in Arguments
Have you ever been in an argument with your partner and wondered at what point they went absolutely mad? The person you know as reasonable is no longer on the other side of the conversation, instead replaced by someone impossible to deal with in a rational way. This transformation can be perplexing and frustrating, leaving you feeling bewildered and helpless.
What is Flooding?
If you have felt this way before, you were likely experiencing a phenomenon known as flooding. Flooding occurs when you are in conflict with your partner, and your brain essentially stops thinking clearly. You feel overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions and the situation, leading you to respond in one of two ways: either by attacking your partner or completely shutting down. This emotional state is a common yet significant barrier to productive communication in relationships.
The Impact of Flooding
Flooding has profound impacts on your ability to engage in constructive dialogue. When you are flooded, your body's stress response is activated. Your heart rate increases, your body releases stress hormones, and your ability to process information and communicate effectively diminishes. In this heightened state of arousal, it's challenging to listen, empathize, or find common ground with your partner.
Recognizing the Signs of Flooding
Recognizing when you or your partner are experiencing flooding is the first step towards managing it. Some common signs include feeling an intense rush of emotions, a racing heart, sweating, and a sense of being overwhelmed. You might also notice that your thoughts become scattered, and you struggle to articulate your feelings or thoughts coherently.
Managing Flooding
At the point of flooding, it is crucial to find a way to calm down in order to make the conversation productive. Here are some strategies to help manage flooding:
Take a Break: If you notice that you or your partner are becoming flooded, take a timeout. Step away from the conversation for at least 20 minutes to allow your body to return to a calmer state. Engage in activities that soothe you, such as deep breathing, taking a walk, or listening to calming music.
Practice Deep Breathing: Deep breathing exercises can help slow down your heart rate and reduce the physiological symptoms of stress. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Engage in Self-Soothing Activities: Find activities that help you relax and feel grounded. This might include reading, meditating, or engaging in a hobby that you enjoy.
Use Positive Self-Talk: Remind yourself that it's okay to feel overwhelmed and that taking a break is a healthy response. Positive self-talk can help shift your mindset and reduce the intensity of your emotions.
The Science Behind Flooding
In a quick video, Dr. Julie Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, describes the research behind what happens when you are feeling flooded and offers insights into what you can do when this occurs. According to Dr. Gottman, flooding is a natural response to perceived threats in a conflict situation. Our brains are wired to react to threats by activating the fight-or-flight response, which can be helpful in life-threatening situations but counterproductive in interpersonal conflicts.
The Role of Physiological Responses
Dr. Gottman explains that when we experience flooding, our bodies are essentially in a state of alarm. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats, sends signals that trigger the release of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones prepare us to either fight or flee, making it difficult to engage in rational thought or empathetic communication.
Practical Steps to Prevent Flooding
Preventing flooding involves both individual and mutual efforts within the relationship. Here are some practical steps to help:
Build Emotional Awareness: Increase your awareness of your emotional triggers and responses. By understanding what specific actions or words trigger flooding, you can better anticipate and manage your reactions.
Improve Communication Skills: Develop effective communication skills that promote understanding and empathy. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming or criticizing your partner.
Create a Safe Space for Dialogue: Establish a safe and supportive environment for discussions. Ensure that both partners feel heard and respected, even during disagreements.
Practice Regular Check-Ins: Regularly check in with each other to discuss how you are feeling and to address any issues before they escalate into major conflicts.
Moving Forward Together
Understanding and managing flooding is essential for maintaining a healthy and productive relationship. By recognizing the signs of flooding, taking steps to calm down, and improving communication skills, you can navigate conflicts more effectively and strengthen your bond with your partner. Dr. Julie Gottman's insights provide valuable guidance on this journey, helping couples move forward together with greater understanding and resilience.