The Center's Blog
Popular media and some health care professionals have utilized the label "sexual addiction" to describe a pattern of repetitive and intense preoccupation with sexual thoughts, urges, and behaviors. It has also been referred to as "hyper-sexual behavior", "compulsive sexual behavior", "problematic sexual behavior" or even "out-of-control sexual behavior".
What does science tell us about sex and how does this shape our relationship with our partner? I often hear from couples that their sex life isn't what it was when they first started dating and that they wish they could go back to that time in their relationship. Is it true that the best sex in relationships is when you are just getting to know each other? Actually, science tells us the opposite is true.
Michele Weiner Davis is a renowned therapist and author who has dedicated much of her career to helping couples navigate through marital issues, particularly those related to intimacy and sexuality. One of her notable works is centered around the concept of sex-starved marriages, where one partner desires more sexual intimacy than the other.
In her approach, Weiner Davis emphasizes the importance of communication, understanding, and empathy in addressing the complexities of sexual desire imbalances within a marriage. She acknowledges that differing levels of sexual desire are common in relationships and that it's crucial for couples to openly discuss their needs and concerns without judgment or criticism.
Weiner Davis often highlights the role of societal norms and expectations in shaping couples' attitudes towards sex and intimacy. She encourages couples to challenge traditional notions of sexuality and explore ways to redefine intimacy that are meaningful and fulfilling for both partners.
One of the key strategies Weiner Davis advocates for is the concept of "initiator" and "refuser" roles within the relationship. She encourages couples to identify these roles and work together to shift the dynamics in a way that fosters mutual desire and satisfaction. This may involve exploring new sexual experiences, experimenting with different forms of intimacy, and prioritizing emotional connection alongside physical pleasure.
Additionally, Weiner Davis emphasizes the importance of addressing underlying issues that may be contributing to sexual dissatisfaction within the marriage. This could include factors such as stress, unresolved conflicts, past traumas, or medical conditions. By addressing these issues collaboratively, couples can create a more supportive and nurturing environment that promotes sexual intimacy and fulfillment.
Overall, Michele Weiner Davis' work offers valuable insights and practical strategies for couples struggling with sex-starved marriages. By fostering open communication, empathy, and a willingness to explore new possibilities, couples can overcome challenges related to sexual desire imbalances and cultivate a deeper, more satisfying connection with each other.
In this Ted Talk Michelle Weiner-Davis discusses Sex Starved Marriages. She also discusses 3 things people need to do if they are living in a Sex Starved Marriage.
Understand how you feel connected to your partner, but most of all, become an expert in how your partner feels connected to you.
If you are with someone desiring more connection, more affection, or more sex don't delude yourself into thinking "it's just sex." Sex is a powerful way to connect and bond with someone you love.
When you understand how your partner feels connection and love you don't have to understand or agree with it, you just have to DO IT!
I often hear from people struggling with their sexual behaviors. Here are some questions to consider:
1. Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts?
2. Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others?
3. Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like?
4. Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior?
5. Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire?
6. When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
A positive response to just one of these questions would indicate a need for additional assessment, including a consultation with a CSAT. Agreeing with two or more questions likely indicates sexual issues that need to be addressed.
It is important to find a counselor with specific training to treat sexual issues, as treating sexual issues is a highly specialized service. Ask your counselor about their education and training treating sexual concerns. For more information and resources regarding treatment please visit sexhelp.com
The 'Codependency Model' was often used by therapists in the past when dealing with the sexual betrayal of their loved ones. Evolving research is starting to show that those who have suffered betrayal are actually suffering from trauma, which needs to be addressed appropriately to ensure effective therapy.
"After poring through the data, it has become clear to me that thousands of women and men are suffering deeply due to their partner's sexual behaviors outside of the relationship." ~Kevin Skinner, PhD
Post-betrayal, partners question their safety and worth in the relationship. They find it difficult to fulfill their roles, and as a result find themselves angry and avoidant towards their partner.
Read more about it here:
