The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work

John Gottman is a renowned psychologist and relationship expert who has spent over 40 years studying what makes marriages thrive. He has identified seven key principles that are essential for maintaining a strong and healthy relationship. These principles are:

  1. Enhance your love maps: Love maps are the "mental maps" that you have of your partner's life, including their likes, dislikes, values, and goals. By continually updating and enhancing your love maps, you can better understand and support your partner.

  2. Nurture your fondness and admiration: One of the most important things you can do to strengthen your relationship is to cultivate a deep sense of fondness and admiration for your partner. This means actively seeking out and valuing the things that you love about your partner, and expressing appreciation and gratitude for their positive qualities.

  3. Turn towards each other: Gottman emphasizes the importance of "turning towards" your partner, rather than away from them, when faced with conflict or stress. This means actively listening and engaging with your partner, rather than ignoring or dismissing their concerns.

  4. The positive perspective: In any relationship, it's important to focus on the positive aspects of your partner and your relationship, rather than dwelling on the negative. By adopting a positive perspective, you can strengthen your bond and improve your communication with your partner.

  5. Manage conflict: Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of any relationship. The key is to learn how to manage it effectively, rather than letting it escalate into a destructive argument. Gottman recommends using "softened start-ups," expressing your own feelings and needs, and using "repair attempts" to deescalate conflicts and find common ground.

  6. Make life dreams come true: One of the most important ways to strengthen your relationship is to support each other's dreams and goals. This means actively listening and encouraging each other, and working together to make your shared dreams a reality.

  7. Create shared meaning: Creating shared meaning means finding a sense of purpose and connection in your relationship, and working together to build a fulfilling life together. This can involve sharing common values and goals, and finding ways to connect and support each other on a deeper level.

By following these seven principles, you can create a strong and healthy marriage that will stand the test of time. Remember, a successful marriage takes effort, communication, and a deep commitment to each other. With the right mindset and approach, you can create a loving and fulfilling partnership that will bring joy and happiness to both of your lives.