Couples Counseling

Science, Sex, and Relationships

Science, Sex, and Relationships

What does science tell us about sex and how does this shape our relationship with our partner? I often hear from couples that their sex life isn't what it was when they first started dating and that they wish they could go back to that time in their relationship.  Is it true that the best sex in relationships is when you are just getting to know each other?  Actually, science tells us the opposite is true. 

How Much Porn is Too Much Porn?

With the increase in accessibility, affordability, and anonymity of pornography, it has become a hot topic of discussion in relationships.  She says he looks at porn way too much.  He says he looks at porn the same amount as every other guy.

I wanted to share an article written by one of the leaders in couples therapy, Sue Johnson.  She does a nice job of breaking down when it's time to get help for you, or your partner.  If your partner isn't willing to have a discussion about the topic, it still is helpful to talk with someone about your own concerns.  As Susan Johnson discusses in the article "Bond science tells us that feeling shut out and rejected by the person we depend on registers in our brains as much a physical pain. Plus, that rejection is a danger cue that can send us into panic."

If you are concerned about your use of pornography or your partner's use of pornography, we can help!

Living in a Sex Starved Marriage?

Often couples come to therapy struggling with a difference in libido.  Women and many men struggle with low libido (it's NOT just a woman's issue). Human beings are hardwired for connection.  Connection is as basic of a need as food and shelter.

In this Ted Talk Michelle Weiner-Davis discusses Sex Starved Marriages.  She also discusses 3 things people need to do if they are living in a Sex Starved Marriage.

  1. Understand how you feel connected to your partner, but most of all, become an expert in how your partner feels connected to you.

  2. If you are with someone desiring more connection, more affection, or more sex don't delude yourself into thinking "it's just sex." Sex is a powerful way to connect and bond with someone you love.

  3. When you understand how your partner feels connection and love you don't have to understand or agree with it, you just have to DO IT!

New Year's Relationship Resolutions

The beginning of each new year tends to be a time of reflection.  We look at where we are, and where we would like to be.  These thoughts often lead to resolutions of things we wish to change in our lives.

Perhaps you have given some thought about your relationship with your partner.  Do you have any resolutions this year regarding your relationship? I wanted to share an exercise with those of you who may be desiring a stronger connection in your relationship. Building fondness and admiration for your partner is important to feeling connected to your partner.  As life becomes more busy and chaotic, we often lose sight of how much our partners mean to us.

The following are some questions to ask yourself each day to help build fondness for your partner. Pick one to focus on each day of the week.

  1. Think about a special time, or romantic time you had with your partner.

  2. What is one physical attribute you like about your partner?

  3. Write about a time you and your partner had fun together.

  4. Think about one characteristic that you find endearing about your partner.

  5. Write about one characteristic that makes you proud of your partner.

Once you have completed these, pick a time at the end of the week to share your thoughts and writing with your partner.  Leave a note for them the following day about the things you were thinking about the previous day to show them how much you admire and value them.  Show them how much you appreciate your relationship with them.

Being a New Couple During the Holiday Season

For new couples, the Holiday Season brings new challenges and exciting opportunities! Not only can the holidays bring out the best in people, sometimes they can have the opposite effect.  I wanted to share this article as I think it gives interesting insight why it is a good idea for new couples to spend their holiday celebrations together.  The holidays provide many opportunities to build friendship, manage conflict, and to create a shared meaning.