When your relationship is in crisis, it can become an overwhelming task to find someone who you can trust to help. You are feeling hurt, vulnerable, overwhelmed, and are looking for a stranger to care for one of the most precious relationships in your life. When a marriage is on the brink of divorce or facing any difficult situation, it can be hard looking to another party for help. Many of my clients have never been in counseling or therapy before, and they frequently discussed their experiences looking for the right couples or marriage counselor for their relationships. Patterns have emerged from my conversations with them and I wanted to share my thoughts on the topic of finding your own couples/marriage counselor.
Has your spouse told you that they are seriously considering divorce? It is not uncommon to go through a wide range of emotions, including: anger, rage, sadness, denial, and/or fear. When your spouse has told you that they want a divorce, you are frequently not your best self. Often, in a state of crisis, behavior can become binary. Either you completely disconnect from your spouse, or you completely suffocate them. You either deny that they were serious and hope for the best while ignoring the subject, or you do EVERYTHING you can think to convince them that you and your marriage are worth fighting for. It is important that you do neither if you wish to save your marriage.
Here are a number of things you can do if your spouse has begun to discuss divorce.
What does science tell us about sex and how does this shape our relationship with our partner? I often hear from couples that their sex life isn't what it was when they first started dating and that they wish they could go back to that time in their relationship. Is it true that the best sex in relationships is when you are just getting to know each other? Actually, science tells us the opposite is true.
Dr. John Gottman is the leading researcher on marriage and relationships. He has become so in tuned with what patterns disintegrate relationships in his forty years of research that he can predict divorce in couples with 94% accuracy within 15 minutes of viewing their interactions. Time and time again, his research has shown that men's emotional intelligence (being aware of social nuisances and able to display deep sensitivity) can make or break a relationship.
Are you considering marriage or couples counseling, but don't know if it's too late to save your relationship? Often, people don't know if they want to continue in a relationship or if it's time to end things. The decision is just one more thing that you have to do. If you are trying to decide between trying to make things work or ending the relationship, you are not alone.