You responded to a private Facebook message from your high school sweetheart. You forgot to go to the event. You shared something you shouldn’t have with a friend. You went somewhere you said you wouldn’t go. You kept secrets. You lied. You cheated.
You lost trust.
When you discover your spouse has had an affair it is absolutely devastating. Your mind spins. You rage against how your spouse could betray you and your family. You are dying for some support and empathy. Who do you speak with? Often people turn to those in their lives who are supposed to have their backs - their friends and family.
Infidelity is one of the main issues I work with on a consistent basis with couples. When they come to counseling, their relationship is already in crisis. The tips above are a good way to start repairing the damage caused by infidelity. Along with the author's 3 tips from the video, I also wanted to share my own advice.
Affairs and the trauma of betrayal are prevalent in our society. I often see individuals who have been involved in or are currently involved in an affair, yet there is a conflict in their values and their behavior. Other times, I see couples struggling through the hurt and betrayal of an affair.
I wanted to share with you a Ted Talk regarding affairs by Esther Perel. She discusses some important points to consider when processing affairs. I wanted to share a few points that get you to rethink what you thought you knew about affairs.
Affairs are an act of betrayal and an expression of longing and loss.
It is not always a turning away from your partner, but turning away from the person we have become. We are not always looking for another person, but another self.
The majority of couples will stay together after an affair. This can lead to an openness and honesty that they haven't had for decades. The hurt and betrayal can lead to growth and discovery.
Below is the talk where you can learn more about how couples can heal after an affair. If your relationship is struggling with impact of an affair, we can help!
Are you concerned your partner is having an emotional affair? Are you questioning if you are in the middle of an emotional affair? We can help!
Dr. Shirley Glass is one of the leading researchers on infidelity. The following is a quiz she developed from her research to reach those who may be on the verge of having an affair. Answer yes or no to the follow questions:
Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of the meeting?
Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?
Are you in love with your friend?
Scoring Key: 1 point for each yes to questions 1,2,6,7,8 and 1 point for each no to 3,4,5. If you scored near 0, this is just a friendship. If you scored 3 or more you may not be "just friends." If you scored 7-8, you are definitely involved in an emotional affair.
If you would like help to heal from an emotional affair, call us today.
Glass, Shirley. (2003). Not just friends: Rebuilding trust and recovering your sanity after infidelity (pp.16). New York, NY: Free Press.